OCD Quote of the Day 5/30

"As an American I am ashamed and embarrassed that this film was made. I pray that it's a huge failure."

Those were the words of Kevin from College Station, TX. He would like to apologize to the rest of the world for the piece of shit that is Sex and the City. I actually respect SATC as an entertainment property but think that it does have a negative effect on our society. Prepare yourself for my SATC Weekend posts. It's going to be fab.




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OCD Quote of the Day 5/29

"I lost my head. I even had money with me. I don’t know why I took the stuff."

That is the apology of a man that decided to steal a chocolate penis and Playboy Bunny from a store. He wanted to give them to his fiancee. You can read about his shame here. Also, why don't they make chocolate breasts or vaginas? Maybe they should start...



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OCD Liveblogging: Stanley Cup Finals Game 3

Tonight, OfficialChrisDuncan will liveblog the Red Wings @ Penguins game. I will potentially be joined by my brother and JLow. He won't let us call him JLo anymore. He's just one of my asshole friends who hates the Red Wings.

I expect the Wings to continue their domination of the Pens tonight. That probably won't be very exciting, so I'll probably be liveblogging about how shitty Versus is or how the "NHL could be back".

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Textual Relations

Relationships are a mystery for most of the people in my generation. "Hooking up" can mean anything from a warm caress to a Cleveland Steamer. My buddy GRod sent me this link and it was hilarious and frighteningly real at the same time. I think the main problem is this guy's approach to SMS-courtship. I have a suggestion and it's two words: dick pics. I won't get into that now, but it might be a good idea to mentally prepare yourself for that post.

My first text message to a girl is usually: 8==========D u like?

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Recent iPhone Pictures

Here's a batch of interesting pictures that I took with my phone.


This was the cool backwards hat old guy that was waiting in La Guardia when I got back from Chicago. He's got the khaki shorts, backwards cap, and attitude to match. Who's the geezer with that cool dude??


Here we have Glitter from A Shot at Love... not looking her best. I'm not saying that all women have to be size 0. But if you're not size 0, consider buying a slightly larger bikini bottom. It shouldn't look like it's stretched over a spare tire.


Another picture of chop't around noon. This place sells salads. LOOK AT THAT LINE! Unbelievable.


Last but not least, we have the "Interesting Subway Trio". I took this picture a while ago when I was in a sleepy state headed to work. I think the full denim tuxedo initially caught my eye. I fumbled to take this picture and was a little late. You can still make out the extremely long crowbar-like item on his handcart. He's clearly the leader. Jean vest guy has is holding random sacks which I can only assume are murder-related. Then the front guy has either an extreme skateboard or a Chinese musical instrument. It's possible that only the two jean crew members were together but I'm going to pretend otherwise.

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Sidney Crosby's Unfortunate Mustache

In hockey, players grow "playoff beards" to show unity and represent their dedication to winning. Sidney Crosby has attempted to grow a beard and it's more like a furry chinstrap and a hilarious mustache. The Next One has his work cut out with Detroit and may not get a chance to taste Stanley Cup victory. But it's a given that Crosby will be back in the future with a much better approach to his playoff beard.

Sidney Crosby has 21 points during the playoffs and even less hairs on his upper lip

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OCD Quote of the Day 5/27

In baseball, "PopoZão" is a slang term used by Philadelphia Phillies fans for a home run hit by Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard.[citation needed]

That tidbit is from the Wikipedia article for "Popo Zao", the awesome Kevin Federline song. Apparently, Phillies fans have adopted the term -- or at least a clevery wiki-vandal has left his mark. Thanks for this one, Brad.

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DRINK4DANICA2008

Sunday marks DRINK4DANICA2008 (a party slash drinking game based on the Indy 500). We have a minimal budget but high hopes for our rag-tag IRL party. I decided to go with the "official" recipe for Donkey Punch. I had to go to the store and get two handles of rum today. We're expecting a medium-sized, high class (semi-alcoholic) crowd.

follow drink4danica at http://twitter.com

We're going to have to pick drivers drink based on their and then certain words/phrases/visual cues will also trigger drinking. Live twitter updates will appear in the box above but you can see all of the live party updates here. I created an image for the event using a picture from our White Trash party in 2006. You may be able to tell that we're doing our best "King of the Hill" pose. You may not be able to tell that I'm wearing jean shorts. That still pisses me off.


The game is based on My Name is Hurl (from the blog My Name is IRL) and drinking game (from the blog Indy Rant). Tentative game rules are listed below.

THE INDY 500 DRINKING GAME DRINK4DANICA
(bastard version of My name is Hurl)

1. Draw a driver - Drink 2 drinks if the driver is shown on camera, 1 drink if the drivers car is shown and chug an entire beer if the driver crashes.

2. Every lap that one of your co-drinker's driver leads is a lap that you drink.

3. Drink as a group when the following terms are mentioned: Any military word (i.e. "War", "Battle" or "Gunning"), "Marbles" (2x), "Halfshaft" (3x), "Catfight" (4x), "Lockstep", ""how we do it in a stock car", "debris", "Tony George", "Brian Barnhart" (2x), "Tony Stewart" (3x)

4. Also drink when: Another driver is asked about Danica! or Fisher Queen, Vision Racing co-owner Patrick Dempsey is mentioned (2x), Any Andretti other than Mario smiles, Scott Goodyear makes a joke

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OCD Actual Conversation: Bruce Bowen is Gay

Apparently one of my friends has decided that Bruce Bowen is gay. It's actually pretty funny for me to imagine him with a hoop earring and some flamboyant clothing. The "bonghitters" mention is a reference to us getting smoked (pun somewhat intended) by the High Times softball team.

Bruce Bowen does not like these allegations
Anonymous Asshole Friend: do you think the NBA's nightmare will come true with another Spurs V Pistons final?
OfficialChrisDuncan: hahaha... that would be great
OfficialChrisDuncan: I'll kill myself if it's Celtics/Lakers and they talk about the tradition
OfficialChrisDuncan: and how Kobe vs. KG is like Magic vs. Bird
Anonymous Asshole Friend: haha, me too, i really don't want to see that
OfficialChrisDuncan: god, that would be the worst
OfficialChrisDuncan: it also makes me happy knowing that Kobe will be one year older without winning
OfficialChrisDuncan: http://www.playboy.com/blog/2008/05/bad-news-bunnies.html#more
Anonymous Asshole Friend: agreed, i too would love another pistons spurs cause the spurs own detroit and i need some hockey retribution
OfficialChrisDuncan: hahah FUCK YOU
OfficialChrisDuncan: Spurs are very good though
OfficialChrisDuncan: I like their team a lot
Anonymous Asshole Friend: the best
OfficialChrisDuncan: minus Bruce Bowen and Tony Parker
Anonymous Asshole Friend: you don't like them?
OfficialChrisDuncan: Manu pisses me off because he's good
OfficialChrisDuncan: Bruce Bowen is douche and I think TP is overrated
OfficialChrisDuncan: maybe TP isn't overrated anymore
Anonymous Asshole Friend: TP is not overrated
Anonymous Asshole Friend: points in the paint man, he owns that shit and he's little
Anonymous Asshole Friend: Bowen pisses everyone off who isn't a spurs fan but that's his job
OfficialChrisDuncan: yeah... the Claude Lemieux
Anonymous Asshole Friend: haha ... who isn't a bitch
Anonymous Asshole Friend: bruce bowen looks like a gay man too
Anonymous Asshole Friend: if he had an earing in his ear
OfficialChrisDuncan: hahahahah
OfficialChrisDuncan: don't make me cackle at work
Anonymous Asshole Friend: it's true, spurs are the bonghitters of NBA basketball

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The Hottest Spot in NYC

The good places in New York always have people waiting outside. This place is so exclusive that the line starts forming at noon. It's the chop't in midtown. It's not a club. chop't is a place to get lunch. I know the line may move quickly... but this is insane. I guess lots of people like salad.

The guy bounding the opposite direction with some sort of grilled platter knows the score

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Stoners vs. Boners 2008

A challenge was issued and accepted. On Wednesday, the Playboy office is facing High Times in softball. It's kind of a tradition, but this is the first time the game is being played in about 3 years. Apparently, facebook and College Humor were set to face off in beer pong... but then it got canceled. Softball is so much classier.

Our squad is made up of 16 people from marketing, editorial, security, and licensing. I think our security crew of Jimmy and Bobby will provide a lot of power -- they play in the Staten Island softball league. We're borrowing my good friend Danny from MTV and expect big things. I've been roiding for the past 4 weeks in preparation for the big day.

Currently, our sponsors are up in the air. We're thinking box wine but might end up with liquor in the clubhouse. In any case, I'm positive that we'll have lost track of the game by the end. We made some sweet uniforms for the game... BONERS 2008! The game is Wednesday in Central Park. Merciless stoner bashing is scheduled for a 6:30 PM start.

Hef would be proud

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OCD Breakdown: The Real World Hollywood

The new, Joey-less Real World was sad but still entertaining. While this is certainly not my favorite Real World, this cast does seem to have some potential. Below are five points that are highlighted in the latest episode.

JoJo is a hoho

JoJo is back Ask and you shall receive. The biggest douchebag in the Los Angeles area made another appearance on the show. This time, he actually seals the deal with Brianna. I think there are two important things to note about his appearance: the LA shadow beard and the back-of-mullet that is now pony-tailed off. Having either is grounds for a beating... but both?

Sarah realizes how judgmental she is I love the way they talk about how skanky Brianna is... yet she isn't even the one getting plowed by a roommate. Bri didn't even get a chance to open her legs before Kimberly. Also, what is your mom or boyfriend going to do about your bitching? Just please shut the fuck up and cheat on your boyfriend for real. Otherwise, you are worthless.

Whitebread sandwich as per usual OMG can you believe Dave and Kim are hooking up? It's just like every Real World where the two most whitebread people in the house are teetering on the edge of a relationship. It happened recently in Sydney (Cohutta/Kelly Anne), Denver (Alex/Colie), Austin (Danny/Melinda), Las Vegas (Steven/Trishelle), etc.

Greg sucks This kid is a bitch. He acts hard because he's a loner. It's the whole "I don't need anybody else" routine... but you know he just has low self-esteem. The fashion show makes this pretty obvious. He walks the catwalk like an idiot -- twirling his jacket and pirouetting. Can somebody please knock this douchebag down off of his high horse?

Das Not Wassup Alex and I had Will's "Das Wassup" count at 3 after the first episode. Since then, he has not uttered the phrase once. I'm going to assume that he still says it but that the production team has edited it out of some scenes. I am very, very disappointed.

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OCD Quote of the Day 5/15

I think if I had come down, things might have worked out a little bit differently. I find I have a calming influence on people I'm around.

Of course Ricky Williams is a calming influence. That's why the Toronto Argonauts picked him up. He has a high voice, does yoga, and smokes a shitload of weed. I just wish he had a King Tut beard and dreads still.

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OCD Breakdown: 5 Signs of a Rapist

As I shamefully admitted earlier, I picked up the new Cosmo because it had an insane feature: "5 Signs a Guy is Capable of Rape". My thoughts were that the reasons would be either entirely too obvious or fear-inducing garbage.`I made my predictions half-jokingly in the previous post on how Cosmo's "undetected rapist" works. They're not that far off.

He carefully plans his attacks Well, if he's carefully planning his attacks how the hell would you find out? So yeah, any guy could be planning to rape you at any time. Be on the look out. Their main piece of advice is to "never go off alone with someone you barely know".
He is likely a serial rapist Oh, right. He's going to tell you he's a serial rapist. They say to look out for a disconnect between actions and words -- I'll give them that one. But they sandwich that between pointers like not getting drunk and not hanging out with "creepy" guys.
He holds stereotypical view of men and women This is pretty much telling women that they should be on the look out for guys that say shit like they're from the 60's. So if a guy calls you a "broad", it's time to bail. This line is a gem: "If his pals are telling sexist jokes, making fun of women, commenting on breasts [then] he's probably doing it too -- just not in front of you." That is not acceptable behavior, but that doesn't make this group a bunch of rapists. Do women ever tell sexist jokes, make fun of men, or comment on a man's ass or crotch? Rapists... all of them.
He uses alcohol and/or drugs as a tool Oh, really? They just combine the points of not being drunk and not going somewhere alone with a strange guy.
He uses psychological domination more than brute force You're all right if he's just pushing you around. There's no real advice here. Just a reminder that rapist is not right in the head.

I'm happy to conclude that I'm not a nonstranger rapist. I'm going to have to stop steepling my fingers like one though.

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Am I Capable of Rape?

The new Cosmo has a story about "5 Signs a Guy is Capable of Rape". While sexual assault is nothing to joke about, Cosmo itself IS a joke. There's no way that this article is actually going to teach a woman anything useful. If anything, it will just make them more paranoid. Yesterday, I hit up the drug store to buy some crack -- I mean sugar-free Red Bull and saw this magazine at the counter. Today, I broke down and bought it. I'm yet to read the article, but I will try to predict the "5 Signs":

1. Male
2. Heterosexual
3. Bigger Than a Woman (courtesy of Mangan)
4. Drunk (or any variation of fucked up)
5. Crazy (or any variation of insane)

I will report back after I read the article to see if I was right. In the mean time, here's the cover:

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OCD Actual Conversation: Friendly Strippers

You can tell that my friends are quality individuals. I had to change one detail slightly so it's not completely obvious who this is. In any case, this is one of the best stories of all time.

Anonymous Asshole Friend: ya know, i dont think i ever told you the funniest thing that happened to me while i was down south
Official Chris Duncan: haha
Anonymous Asshole Friend: so good ... the last night i was there, when i went to the strip club and got 20 mins worth of lap dances
Anonymous Asshole Friend: i get a text from my sister that just says "mom is asleep"
Anonymous Asshole Friend: because apparently, the stripper, while performing said lap dance
Official Chris Duncan: haha
Anonymous Asshole Friend: grinded on my phone, and called my mom
Official Chris Duncan: amazing
Anonymous Asshole Friend: yeah, i mean, you cant even make taht shit up haha

Speaking of moms and floozies, check out the Supersquan blog about the previous weekend. Nothing can be more embarrassing than having to bring a girl home to your parents house and then having mama take care of the ride-of-shame. Having it happen on Mother's Day just makes it more shameful.

I'm also waiting for a recount of the Vegas stripper story I heard last night. My roommate Brad was in Vegas rolling deep -- and they had to leave a man behind.

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Alert: Megan Fox Topless

I figured this was enough to constitute a blog post. Megan Fox was nice enough to take her top off and show her absolutely perfect body. Thanks to Mangan for sending this link and making my day/week/year/life. Mangan will be blogging all summer from the Dirty Jersey shore, so check it out.

Too bad Megan Fox is engaged to Brian Austin Green. You know, the guy from fucking 90210. Who wants to rent a U-Haul, buy a weapon, and find his house with me? I had to categorize this as bat-shit-crazy because it still baffles me that BAG scored Megan Fox. Extreme bitterness.

Check it out here... before the server crashes.

This is Brian Austin Green mocking you

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Darren McCarty's Teeth Are F*cked

Something went horribly wrong with his teeth in between his two stints with the Red Wings. He went to rehab twice and once for an undisclosed substance... meth maybe? Teeth don't get that way from hockey... especially when you're not playing that much.

So far, this is the only negative part of the NHL in HD experience. I strongly suggest watching some playoff hockey. It may surprise you to know that you get Versus (the main channel for the NHL with NBC handling the weekend games). Maybe you didn't realize it was on because Versus sandwiches the NHL between HOLY @#%*! and Bull Riding. I guess hockey is actually the shitty lead-in since the Versus website lists Bull Riding before NHL Hockey. Hey, at least the NHL has clawed its way back to relevancy on the ESPN header. I'm pretty sure it was lifted after Women's Hoops at one point.

Darren McCarty "has a smile only a mother could love"

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Summer Fashion: Nips and Snatch

I wish more girls would wear Old Navy. The new Old Navy commercial in the "Neon Nights" series runs on national television very often and resident nipple sleuth Alex pointed out that a nip makes a brief appearance. With his expert DVR skills, we were able to use slow-mo and find the exact instant that nipple is most evident. The pictures are below:


Most likely due to the fact that I have the television habits of a 13 year-old girl, I have seen that same Old Navy commercial about 20 times in the past week. If you haven't noticed, Old Navy has been re-positioning its products by creating commercials that try to convince teens that a young adult model may wear one of their garments to a hot night club. It definitely has that "The Hills" vibe. The new idea is low cost clothing but high fashion style. Not a bad idea if H&M, Zara, etc. weren't already doing it. It's at least better than the solid color background commercials that showed the piece and the price. Although my research for this post indicated that this new line got generally positive reviews. The other funny thing was my search brought me to a blog post asking how often its readers went bra-lass. Here's the actual commercial:

Nip happens at 1:36 but it's slightly different in the 30 second spot

Coincidentally, I got a picture message from my friend Cully today. He's in Istanbul on tour with The Gutter Twins. They just played in Lisbon and Athens... lucky bastard. He came across a wall postered for a brand called Snatch Street Fashion. This is probably one of the sweetest logos of all time. I usually don't wear my huge diamond ring when I plan on deploying the shocker. But maybe it's time to start.

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At Bunny Headquarters

I'm in Chicago at our corporate headquarters picking up supplies for
our concert at the Darkroom. The Heavy is about to rock this town.
That's why I have to make sure our girls have their wifebeaters and
got2b hair gel to pass out.

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The Real World Hollywood is Special

We watched the last Real World and I have to say that I was thoroughly entertained. We didn't get very far into the LA version of this show without encountering the infamous promoter-douchebag species. I have to deal with some of these people at work and they are quite greasy. Some are better than others, but of course Brianna brought home the biggest douche of them all: JoJo. He's got a faux-hawk, wears eyeliner, opts not to wear a shirt under his hoodie, and has no problem dry-humping people in public.

JoJo mounts Brianna as Kimberly and Sarah watch in horror... and prepare their next holier-than-thou speech for Bri (because they care about her, not because they're judgmental)

I've been praying on a daily basis that this guy makes a return to the show. The most impressive feat (other than bringing his douchebaggery into the house) was when he essentially mounted Brianna as the roomies were hanging out in the kitchen. It would be one thing if they were alone and Brianna wasn't wearing boy-shorts and a thong... but this d-bag is forcing the issue (and his semi) into the uncomfortable zone. Also, does anybody else think that Brianna looks like "The Twins" from The Matrix: Reloaded?

Brianna is going for the Matrix: Reloaded look

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Matthew McConaughey (allegedly) uses HGH

The best stoned/naked bongo player the entire world has HGH to thank for all of his records. I hate to break it to you, but the golden boy takes HGH. How do I know this? I injected it into his ass. Not really -- there's no Canseco-style smoking syringe here. I actually worked an event last year with a model named Amber Hay. She's been in a few movies (including Beerfest) and was Joe Francis's girlfriend... before he went to jail and became somebody's bitch. However, she's best known for impersonating Paris Hilton in a fake music video that is still one of the top 100 videos all-time on YouTube with 21,000,000+ views.

Amber Hay and Matthew McConaughey are linked on WhosDatedWho.com

Amber came out to dinner with us after CollegeFest and we talked the whole time. So far as I can remember, she's from Hawaii and her dad was a professional surfer. She moved to California within the past couple years and has been pursuing a career in acting since then. She actually seemed pretty down to earth -- which you might not expect with her look and profession. We eventually ended up talking about one of her recent projects. She said she had been working with Matthew McConaughey called Surfer Dude. She then went on to say that he used HGH. I wouldn't post this if I thought it was bullshit. There's even a comment in a blog post from JustJared that accuses him of using HGH. I mean, look at the guy... and he's almost 40 now. Amber didn't bring it up to be malicious -- she was actually trying to defend him. You know, that old "it's competitive in Hollywood and your body/face are your livelihood" argument that you hear constantly on E! when they do shows about eating disorders or plastic surgery.

I actually like the guy because he plays one of the best characters of all time in Dazed and Confused and also is a huge Texas Football fan. I can't really blame the Matthew McConaughey for using HGH. Sylvester Stallone admitted that he used HGH to get in shape for Rocky Balboa. Sly also got caught with a SHITLOAD of Chinese HGH at an airport in Australia. If you watch MTV, every single one of those hulking beasts on Real World/Road Rules Challenge roids. I think they actually recruit them based on how much they can bench press. Let's also not forget that 50 Cent, Mary J. Blige, Timbaland, and Wyclef were allegedly customers of a performance enhancing drug ring as well.

Sly Stallone defends HGH use in an interview with Matt Lauer


So I would have to lean towards believing what Amber said. I'm interested to see what other people think, so vote in the poll below:

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OCD Actual Work Email

So I'm working on "girl outreach" for a series of events coming up this month. I've been in touch with a handful of Playboy Special Edition models about working these events. Today, I got a hilarious email from one of the girls regarding her availability...

Hey chris! I just wanted to give you a heads up..I should be available for this function, however I am having a cosmetic procedure done this monday..After talking with my doctor he said I should be okay in time for this event...But just in case I wanted to let you know in the event I am not able to make it...

I approve. As Beyonce says on the Time Warner Cable commercial: UPGRADE! UPGRADE!

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