Guest Blog: Sizing Up Porn Stars
Posted on
January 08, 2009 by
OfficialChrisDuncan
I’m lazy and I also might be murdered if I don’t post this. This piece (pun intended) comes from one of my female friends who would like to be called Miss June. She’s decided to analyze some of the porn industry’s top male performers.
I hate to use the word star when related to porn, as I blame many of these ‘stars’ for perpetuating ideas that us gals love getting ‘facials’, piledrivers, and getting slapped with your member following zero foreplay. I blame them for the ‘moves’ frat guys have been trying to pull off as being sexy for decades. Below is a short list of some of my very least favorite male porn stars. These lucky bastards, who are commonly creepy, decorated with tribal tats, and bulging roided out muscles have been ruining what could have been sexy moments with their grunting, nonsensical dirty talk, and fugly mugs for years. In no particular order:
Johnny Thrust: I mean? He looks like the love child of Steve Buscemi and Rick Ocasek; his O face haunts my dreams
Sexual Equivalent: Janet Reno giving it to Hillary Swank a la strap on.
Max Hardcore: Because everybody wants to see Gramps get down with the neighbors teenage daughter; yellow teeth, wrinkled balls, and hat aside. This man is twisted and fucked in the head beyond compare.
Sexual Equivalent: Sandra Bernhard muff dive on Rosie while Whoopi rims it.
Evan Stone: My favorite of all the Fabio wannabe’s, I have to pause in amazement to note that there are dozens of male porn stars crafting their look after Fabio. Poising himself as though he just walked off the cover of a bad airport romance novel this cheesedick even has is own fantasy elevator music on his personal web-page; let us all take a bow to the king of douche.
Sexual Equivalent: androgynous she-male A threesome with Roseanne, Cher, and Missy Elliot.
Lexington Steele: Note the tribal tats, manicured facial chin strap, and excessive jewelry; yes he’s from the Dirty Jerze. Other actors in the industry aspire to be what good ol’ Lex is on and off the camera. Let me tell you something, nothing is scarier than seeing that wall of flesh on screen and the gleam of fear in the actress’ eyes as it comes towards her. As Goldi-Cocks would say: it’s too big.
Sexual Equivalent: 69 with Amy Winehouse and Carrot Top.
No related posts.
