The Official Chris Duncan Web Site

What do these pictures have in common?  The first answer is “nothing”.  But if you take another look you may achieve a deeper understanding.  Below are three displays of the highest level of BFFery.
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Nadal and Federer are opponents when they take the court, but warm and caring lovers as they leave.  Suburban high school girls band together use science to improve their beer drinking experience.  They’re completely different pictures with such similar messages.

The one that you might not understand is the last picture.  If my buddy Paul was a real BFF, would he let that guy sleep on the ground?  No, no he would not.  To understand the BFFery, you have to look past a guy giving a thumbs up next to a passed out guy on the ground.  Think about the scenery and the context.  The real BFF is me, the OCD.  Only a true friend is there in a moment of need — such as taking a picture when a guy passes out in his suit next to a pile of horse shit.
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I’ve emerged from my blog coma to celebrate the past year of OfficialChrisDuncan. I’ve subjected you to my incredibly biased opinion for a little over a year now. The OCD is spreading like a disease and I have the numbers to prove it.  OfficialChrisDuncan recorded 25,537 Visits, 22,062 Absolute Unique Visitors, and 39,390 Pageviews.  OCD had 48,271 YouTube Video views an the YouTube Channel was viewed 1,723 times.  My Flickr Photos recorded 73,464 and the photostream was viewed 10,629 times.  And I haven’t even started posting nude pictures yet.

There is (maybe) one thing more important than my anniversary… the Presidential Inauguration on Tuesday afternoon. Years from now, people will look back and see the issues facing our world at this historic time. We had the worst financial crisis in a generation.  We have the Gaza conflict flaring up again. We had the Miracle on the Hudson.  And then we had this…

I’m worried about our country. There are some issues that I know Barack Obama will not be able to address. The most frightening of these issues? Paul Blart: Mall Cop finished #1 at the box office this weekend. Let me spell it out for you: Paul Blart: Mall Cop will be the #1 movie in America when the first black President takes office.  I blame you, America. Perhaps more frightening is the upcoming slate “mall cop” shenanigans. Seth Rogen will star in a “mall cop” movie called Observe & Report. FOX has also greenlit a pilot for a TV series about a mall cop called “Walorsky”. Here’s the summary:

New comedy greenlights include “Walorsky,” which follows the exploits of an ex-cop who now patrols a shopping mall in Buffalo, N.Y. He’s forced to start caring about his job — and not just Buffalo sports — when he’s partnered with a rookie.

That is potentially the worst plot I have ever heard in my life.  I’m gonna go out on a limb now and predict that Donal Logue will be the unfortunate soul that gets roped into that role.  The fact that there are THREE mall cop comedies coming out is a bit frightening.  But to put it in perspective, Lincoln was seeing “Our American Cousin” at Ford’s Theater.  It’s a fish-out-of-water comedy about an American that meets his aristocratic English relatives.  Maybe Paul Blart: Mall Cop won’t be such a pathetic historical benchmark after all…
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Now that I’ve unleashed my first bitch session in a while, we can get back to the real heroes.  Check out the pictures below from the Miracle on the Hudson taken by a FDNY rescue worker.  Let’s salute the brave men and women who ensured that the passengers of Flight 1549 were safe.  Stay tuned for upcoming posts including a recap of tunes from 2008 and a guide on how to sneak into any party.

Sarah Brandner is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. I ran into her earlier this week while on my way home from a work happy hour. As I was walking down Stanton Street, I noticed somebody familiar. It wasn’t Sarah, it was her boyfriend Sebastian Schweinsteiger.  He’s a German soccer player that currently plays for Bayern Munich.  I went to the 2006 World Cup in Germany and we saw two games: the semi-final between Germany and Italy then the 3rd place game between Germany and Portugal.  Before the Portugal/Germany game, I CALLED the fact that Bastian would score based on his performance in the previous game.  You can ask my dad or my brother… and Bastian actually scored twice.

I decided to try the old “yell their name and see if they turn and look”. When he responded to my drunken call of “BAS-TEE-YAN!”, I decided that I would ask for a picture. He begrudgingly obliged and then I realized that somebody had to take the picture. I put my equipment into Sarah’s capable hands and she did the rest. God, I hope I can say that again some time in my life.

The picture that she took is below. I feel like Bastian could tell that my drunk ass was ogling his girlfriend. He also just kind of looks like a gargoyle in the first place. It doesn’t matter now… we’re BFF!!!  That is… until I steal Sarah from him.  Oh yeah, Bastian also said he preferred soccer to sex.   Hear that, Sarah?

• Awesome portable DirecTV screen/satellite. (Thanks, Mangan)
• AMC greenlights political drama pilot. With the success of Mad Men and Breaking Bad, this probably going to be awesome.
• Michael Phelps and Eli Manning together… NERDICAL!
• Soccer player kills pigeon with ball. (Thanks, Paul)
• Are you watching online videos at work? Of course you are… 65% are viewed between 9-5, M-F.
• Jeremy Piven has “shocking” amount of mercury in his system from sushi and Chinese herbs. Investors in his play (which he dropped out of) cry foul.
• Freakonomics: Indonesia’s Drinking Problem.
• RIAA to stop suing individuals. Cutting edge.
• The visual history of Mickey Rourke’s face.  He may be ugly as sin, but The Wrestler will be awesome.

Contrary to what “the internet” may tell you, Official Chris Duncan did not have sex with this girl Dorcas. I don’t know a girl named Dorcas and I don’t think I’ve ever been to St. Louis. Given the opportunity, I would try to disappoint this girl sexually … but that was never possible. I didn’t even know who this “Dorcas” person was until I received this facebook message:

SUBJECT: hey….
TIME: July 20 at 1:04pm
did you bone a girl named Dorcas who lives in stl, or was that another Chris Duncan? Just wondering, cause I saw it on thedirty.com

I don’t pick up whores in bars — I solicit them on Craigslist

That lovely tidbit of information is from TheDirty.com — a site that is penned by a person that calls themselves Nik Richie. His real name is apparently Hooman Karamian as cited by Dirtyscottsdale Discovered. I congratulate him on running a good site, but he seems like a humongous douche (hmmm… that sounds familiar). I posted the picture of “Dorcas” and cropped his logo out of it. The guy jacked photos (personal pictures of some guy and his girlfriend) from Playboy’s social network (PlayboyU) and passed them off as interesting content. Not cool.

I was in Scottsdale in February for Super Bowl and I can imagine where this guy comes from. Scottsdale is like the really try-hard version of a big city club scene. There are nice venues, beautiful people, and money — but there’s no real hierarchy to make the snobiness legit. I actually really liked Scottsdale though. But that’s probably because I went to Ashley Simpson’s event on Wednesday and the Madden Bowl on Thursday (where I feebly attempted to invite Roy Williams to our Playboy Party). Ah, memories… or at least reminders of memories you had they were erased.

I don’t really know if any of you noticed or cared about that picture of Kiefer Sutherland (I thought it was funny). In any case, Kiefer Sutherland fans did. The day that I posted that picture and the day after had two of the highest visitor totals in the short life of this site. A few Kiefer fan sites posted the picture (specifically 24headquarters.com and kiefersutherlandhome.com) and I’m guessing they all got a kick out of it.

There were some who did not like my post. They had no problem with the picture itself, but my description of the picture was out of line. Posters on the site the Kiefers Place forum felt that I had portrayed Kiefer in a bad light by putting “(drinking)” in a sentence. First of all, it was half joking. Second, this is from a guy who just got out of jail for a DUI and has a YouTube video of him tackling a Christmas tree. It’s true, he could be the every-man who says, “I want to get a snack before a turn in. I want to be among the people… $1.25 Gray’s Papaya hot dogs for me!” Or he’s a drunk guy who wants to stuff his face with a few ill-advised greasy snacks before passing out.

From Lady Sutherland:

Oh I DETEST how all these kinds of articles always seem to KNOW that Kiefer was up drinking.
How? HOW!? DAMMIT!
The guy looks tired. And hot dogs are 2am? Who cares? If the guy is hungry, HE’S HUNGRY!
Leave him the hell alone!
Seriously, I’d give Michael a run for his money and be Kief’s bodyguard. The guy needs to be left alone
But he is looking good!

From NikiLLxD:

Totally agree Mel!
He looks tired! Maybe he had a couple of drink! But for christ shake! That doesn’t mean he was DEAD DRUNK!
And whatever! Had a drink or not?! He was out having some fun! Just because he is famous, it doesn’t mean he’s not aloud

The man just got out of jail for a DUI arrest and has a YouTube video of him tackling a Christmas Tree. I think it’s fair to say if my friend said he seemed a little tipsy that he could have been drinking. In any case, these people are a little bit on the crazy side. Here’s a sampling of some of the pictures in their profiles that shed a little more light on their bias.

My personal favorite is the coy shirt tug on the right side of the second picture. I’m waiting for “Lady Sutherland” to approve my membership to their forum so I can reply to their posts. If you want to check out the thread, you can find it here.

I’m a delinquent blogger and I apologize. After spending enough time in Mexico, you lose the ability to organize your thoughts in a manner that doesn’t end with tequila shots. I’m sure my passionate readership along with a few random Kiefer Sutherland fans are dying to hear the “haps” south of the border. I tried to recount the first week of spring break chronologically and that didn’t really work out… so I’ve written it in the form of a letter. The letter is to my dear friend Alex of standing-next-to-Kiefer-Sutherland-with-a-mustache fame. He’s my roommate and he’s a model (the kind that gets paid for handsome). He grows mustaches in his spare time. Last year, he went to Cabo but didn’t get the chance this year. Sorry, brother.

Dear Mustachioed Friend Alex,

I’m sorry that you didn’t get to make the trip to Meh-hee-co this year but you’re not missing out on that much… no, that’s a lie. If you’re too lazy to actually read, the my Spring Break week 2 pictures are on the Official Chris Duncan Flickr and the videos are on the Official Chris Duncan YouTube channel.

I met The Beasts of Eden (an awesome band from Brooklyn) at their sound check at Cabo Wabo. They were enjoying their first tequila shots of the trip late that afternoon… and some did not return until well after the sun came up. Luckily, they are bad ass enough to handle performing in the middle of being professional rockers. The Beasts of Eden song “Only Good at Looking Good” is probably my favorite. They have another song “Two Suns” but it’s not on the debut EP. I’ve seen them do it live twice (?) and it’s fucking awesome. They played it at their last set at Nikki Beach with Paul Dateh. We had a sweet set up at Hotel Bahia and when we asked them for a fridge full of beers for the band, they obliged.

The Beasts of Eden rocking Cabo Wabo (L) and Nikki Beach (R)

There were a few lovely ladies with me for the trip as well. Maybe you’ve heard of Playmate Lindsay Wagner or Cyber Girls Jillian Beyor, Jessica Danielle, and Aubrie Lemon? Oh yeah, you met them (except for Lindsay) last year in Mexico. Jessica actually remembered talking to you on the flight back to LA last year. Don’t worry… she’s getting engaged and you’re not quite handsome enough for her. I liked hanging out with Lindsay. Is it fucked up that her ability to destroy Burger King turns me on? I guess that’s my type … 20 year old Playmates that can eat anything they want. It was also entertaining to give her shit about the infamous Terrence Nunn game-losing fumble from the Nebraska-Texas game a couple years ago.

Jessica Danielle, Lindsay Wagner, and Jillian Beyor dancing because I made them

She was also into my awesome dance moves when I cut a rug at Zoo. They were thoroughly impressed by my ten seconds of spastic, somewhat rhythmic movements that I repeated many times. I think the most people were impressed by my stint wearing the “Michael Knight” jacket though.

Rocking appropriately in the hefty bag jacket… photos courtesy of Lisa Kolodny of thedirtaythirtay.com

Shenanigans? Shenanigans occurred. At Billygan’s, we were treated to an extremely raunchy “booty shaking contest”. I’m a booty shaking contest purist and that means amateurs only. The girl that won had to be a stripper. She had some moves that had to be practiced many times to execute correctly. She decided to flash at the end and it wasn’t really even in the neighborhood of sexy.

I ended up in what I believe to be an Isuzu Trooper with 12-15 other people after a big night at El Squid Roe. I was in the passenger’s seat with some beeyotch sitting on my lap (joking) so I got to have a pleasant conversation with our driver. Her name was Sunset, she had many tats, and she liked Sublime and Rage against the Machine. Thumbs up in my book. We later found out that she was brought up in the Children of God cult — still, nice girl. It was about 5AM and we decided to hit the beach. Somehow, everybody left while I was sitting on a beach chair and after about 10 minutes I decided I was done hanging out on the beach. I only found one one of my socks at the spot where I had left my bad ass kicks. Tough loss.

One sweet thing that we did was a “name tag party” at Nowhere Bar. Basically, we had sheets of “Hello My Name Is” stickers and sharpies and let people put them on each other. The ones I got were “Fucking Humarious” (humorous-hilarious) and my favorite “Extremely Tan Forehead”. I gave out a ton, but the classic was “Strong But Gentle” for Carter from the Beasts of Eden. It became our motto for the week. At the end of the night, they name tags got more and more offensive — which is where I begin to shine. I managed to slap “DTF” on the back of some incredibly drunk girl. I also put a “DTF” on myself, so I guess it’s not all bad. The best one was probably on “Yuma”. She seemed overly “generous” and like a train might be leaving the station that night. So I wrote “3:10 to Yuma” on a sticker and Chris B from Beasts of Eden applied it courageously. Not sure who she stumbled home with that night.

“Yuma” with the name tag she earned on her back… and “green light go!” on her ass

But the night didn’t end there… I was in it for the long haul. You know, when I try to have so much fun that I miss my flight. My buddies in Cabo were having an “after party” the last night that we were in town. That meant that once Nowhere Bar closed, they had some booze and a DJ set up in another place in that plaza. It was pretty fun, very loud, and filled with people wayyy more fucked up than I was. I saw our favorite security guard from last year at the party. You know, the guy who looked like Manny from Scarface. He updated his style and didn’t have the strong mustache or slick hair anymore and decided to rock a trench coat that made me think he had 2-3 guns on him. On the last night, I did see him at the “after party” going nuts on the dance floor. I was there for maybe an hour. As I was leaving, a handful of local girls and two amazing Argentinian girls took their shirts off. I was sad.

I picked up a few awesome souvenirs. The first item I picked up in a souvenir shop. I had been eyeing them since the first week. They were sweet mexican blankets in a poncho style with NFL logos. I got a Giants one for myself and a Titans one for my brother. Apparently, it’s not worth producing unlicensed Detroit Lions merchandise. The other cool thing I got was an official Mexican police hat. Unfortunately, it’s a “baseball cap” and not a sombrero or anything like that. But hey, add those to my Cabo San Lucas turtle necklace and I’m almost an Official Mexican.

The New York Giants poncho and Mexican police hat modeled by Official Chris Duncan… jealous?

So I’m back in New York and it’s not warm. I won’t be this tan again for at least a year. Shit. In the coming weeks, we’ll be unveiling some new features at OCD with the help of some of my buddies. Stay tuned.

With Playboy Spring Break 2008 less than two weeks away, it is now crunch time. I’ve been working overtime to get all of the final details squared away. I have some important items on my to-do list such as acquiring a super soaker and fake tanning my pale body. But there really is a lot of planning and execution involved with our Playboy Spring Break events. Each week, we have a total of 4 evening events and 3 day events. You need an all-star crew to ensure success, so let me introduce you to the cast of characters:

Playboy Spring Break Staff from L to R: Chris Duncan, Lisa Kolodny, Charlie Romano, Chip Ross
Lisa “K-os” Kolodny: By our powers combined, we are COLLEGE MARKETING! To put it in laymen’s terms, we do a shitload of work for Playboy. Pretty much anything that relates to a person that is old enough to look at Playboy but not actually old is our responsibility. We destroyed at CollegeFest and I suspect Spring Break will be more of the same. Lisa is pretty talented, but I think her disadvantage of having significantly less body weight will hurt her in the tequila drinking department. Plus, I’ve been training. You should check out Lisa’s blog The Dirtay Thirtay.

Mr. Charlie Romano: Charlie is like the 6-inches-taller, skinnier, friendlier, and more patient version of me. He’s more than the college marketing intern, he’s the Official Chris Duncan apprentice. Soon, I will pass on the lessons of being a cranky, impatient fuck to him. For now, he is assigned all of the work that I don’t want to do. Kidding. Charlie handles much of the nitty gritty that goes into our main events like CollegeFest, Super Saturday Night, and Spring Break. His idea for the proposal to Fox was good enough to get us a sponsor (Hitman DVD). He also blogs about The Rise of Charlie.

Chip Ross: I first met Chip at CollegeFest 2006. He also came to Cabo last year for Playboy Spring Break as well. Chip is in charge of a little site called Playboy U. He’ll be handling the video content that will go up on Playboy U and also making sure that the bands are sufficiently drunk. That’s a joke… they won’t need our help getting drunk.

Rocky “Rawdog” Rakovic: Rocky is the artsy, effeminate version of me. Not really. He’s the badass editorial staffer that actually at least pretends to like marketing (thanks for putting my Mark Frazier interview on the Playboy Blog, buddy). We appreciate that. The Rawdog has had numerous pieces published in Playboy Magazine. My personal favorite is the write-up of his Brazilian wax experience in the August 2006 issue (Monica Leigh cover). At least he won’t have a problem getting that done for Cabo. He’ll be blogging the madness from our events.

Official Chris Duncan and Rocky Rakovic… that’s my drunk snarl caught at an awkward moment

Jimmy “The Muscle” Cambria: Jimmy is in charge of security at the New York office. He’s worked pretty much every major Playboy event for the past few years. He’s a former New York police office. I’m hoping that I’ll get to hear more crazy cop stories this year. Jimmy will also be the person that gets me out of Mexican jail.

The Playboy Models: Oh yeah, we’re bringing some girls with us too. The first week (March 8-11) we’ll have Playmate Shannon James and Cyber Girls Jennifer Hurt, Amanda Hanshaw, and Megan Hauserman. Shannon is great — she has dealt with C-Drunk/Piss Drunken and she still pretends to like me. Jennifer and Megan both have huge crushes on me (sarcasm), so we’ll see how that plays out. I’ve never met Amanda before, but I’m pretty sure she’ll fit in well. She can talk to Megan about being on Beauty and the Geek… so that works out. Week two (March 22-25) Playmate Lindsay Wagner and Cyber Girls Jillian Beyor, Aubrie Lemon, and Jessica Danielle will be making appearances. Lindsay is new to me, so I look forward to meeting her. Jillian was in Cabo last year and rebuffed my advances, so that’s a lost cause. She was at CollegeFest with us last September and kicked ass. Jennifer and Aubrie also both came with us to Spring Break last year. They’re also both Deal or No Deal models. I approve.

Some of my favorite people will be joining me in Can San Lucas this year. But I’m sure I’ll be making a lot more friends when I’m down there… lady friends. If you’re making the trip to Cabo either week, leave a comment and let us know!

Yesterday, I had my first of two (or more?) posts published on the Playboy Blog. Because I’m quite the looker, the editorial staff felt like throwing me a bone and linking the article on the front page with my picture along with it. I feel like a pseudo-celebrity but not quite at the level of the guy from Crazy Town on Celebrity Rehab. Too bad most people will think that my name is Mark Frazier if they don’t read the article (it is Playboy.com). My phone has been ringing off the hook… but that’s because I misplaced it and was trying to locate it by sound (too bad it was on vibrate). Other than that, it’s business as usual with Official Chris Duncan.

His name is Seth Binzer

I’m sure everybody fucking hates that picture of me by now. I apologize.

While I’m riding high with the increased exposure of the Chris Duncan brand, I’m still not as “big” as Romeo Dev. I was linked to Romeo Dev yesterday by my co-worker Nikolai and then also saw his pictures on the screen of another co-worker. Nikolai linked me to FoxNews and Lisa was looking at the Daily Telegraph. I also saw that Romeo had a link to his Telegraph article on DrudgeReport. Drudge and FoxNews get around a million unique visitors a day. Romeo’s article appeared on The Daily Telegraph, Xinhua News, The Daily Mail, and was syndicated on local Fox News websites. He was also on blogs like Boing Boing and Best Week Ever. That’s a lot of eyeballs.

Bodybuilder Romeo Dev on Xinhua News (bottom right)

The man got a ridiculous amount of exposure for being a dwarf that also happens to be a bodybuilder. This guy is 50,000X more famous than I am and probably just as famous as Seth Binzer. I would have originally said that Romeo was twice as famous, but that was before I found out that he was in the only Martin Short movie I actually like… Clifford. I can’t really count Jungle 2 Jungle and I haven’t seen Three Amigos all the way through. You can look at the graph below that charts blog posts with Seth Binzer vs. Romeo Dev as topics. Obviously, Ice Rocket isn’t the best measuring stick, but it at least gives us part of the story. There’s no denying the spike that Romeo Dev has seen in the past few days. It’s hilarious to me that Romeo chooses to rock a Slim Shady-like hairdo. Two people that saw this for the first time instantly said that he was fake. I’ve been called a lot of nasty things — but nobody has ever claimed that I didn’t exist. Maybe he’s claymation.

Romeo Dev vs. Seth Binzer vs. Shifty Shellshock

Personally, I have a problem with the fact that many of the kids growing up (and those of us that are now avoiding adulthood) have top goals consisting of being rich or being famous. The problem with that is being rich and being famous are the results of accomplishment. You can’t “do” either of them. And you can ask Britney whether or not fame is as wonderful as those people would imagine. I’m not at the point where I have to worry about paparazzi though. I’m not even the most famous Duncan at Playboy. There are actually three Duncans in the New York office. The other two are Richard Duncan (who pointed out a typo in my Mark Frazier post) and Aaron Duncan, a bigwig in our licensing department. Aaron Duncan still has me beat in the playboy+duncan Google search. It’s going to be hard to climb above him since he’s actually worth writing about. But then again, all I do is make posts about myself.