You’d probably get a lot of different answers for that question. But ask Eddie Murphy and he’d probably tell you Meet Dave. Meet Dave is the new (soon-to-be-gone) Eddie Murphy movie about 100 martians that come to Earth in a human-shaped spaceship… that looks like Eddie Murphy. It’s your classic fish-out-of-water, martian-comes-to-Earth-and-falls-in-love piece of garbage. So pretty much Earth Girls Are Easy minus the entertainment value.
I refuse to acknowledge that 80’s fashion is back until I see somebody wearing a black and blue paisley leather suit with leather gloves and a silk scarf. Stop kidding yourself.
What does that have to do with a tranny? Not much. But you may remember that back in 1997, Eddie Murphy was stopped by police with a transvestite prostitute. We all know how that feels. The following months were a PR nightmare for the star that hurt the opening of his next movie. Holy Man opened 5th at the box office on a little over 2000 screens and made $5.1mn — which is bad but not horrible given the situation. Holy Man also scored a miserable 10% on Rotten Tomatoes.
How did Meet Dave fare in its opening weekend? The short answer: “Eddie Murphy should stick to voice acting”. This crappy Earth Girls Are Easy ripoff was showing on about 3000 screens (50% more than Holy Man) and finished SEVENTH with $5.25mn. OK, I know it’s harder to score a hit in the summer… but he couldn’t do better than Steve Carell’s sloppy fourths (Get Smart has been out for a month). This won’t gross more than $25mn domestically and Eddie Murphy movies haul in $104mn on average. I mean, I’d expect a piss poor performance like that out of somebody like Jason Statham… but Eddie Murphy? I’ve offered similar advice to Leelee Sobieski; FIRE YOUR AGENT, EDDIE!
Relationships are a mystery for most of the people in my generation. “Hooking up” can mean anything from a warm caress to a Cleveland Steamer. My buddy GRod sent me this link and it was hilarious and frighteningly real at the same time. I think the main problem is this guy’s approach to SMS-courtship. I have a suggestion and it’s two words: dick pics. I won’t get into that now, but it might be a good idea to mentally prepare yourself for that post.
My first text message to a girl is usually: 8==========D u like?
One of the days leading up to New Years, I was enjoying some frosty brews at a friend’s house and my good friend Trey Pool decided to dial up YouTube. He said something about The Wicker Man, which I hadn’t seen, and I was mesmerized by what was on the computer screen. I couldn’t tell if it was real or fake, but apparently it’s all real. I’m not sure if it goes in chronological order, but the video is below along with my recap of the highlights.
Commandeering a Bike - This opening clip shows that Nicolas Cage clearly won’t take shit from any woman dressed like she churns butter. He pulls a gun on her — pretty extreme, right? Except he soon starts throwing haymakers at any woman he can find…
How’d It Get Burned? - I get the feeling that if she knew how it got burned, she would tell him. But there’s never any harm in asking more than once. It’s a proven interrogation tactic. The trick is to increase your volume and the intensity of your facial expression. You can review some 24 DVDs if you need some pointers.
Cold Cocking the Old Woman - This scene was fucking classic. After much deliberation, it ended up being my second favorite scene. There’s not much to say about jacking some old woman in the face — just enjoy the laughs.
Murder by Face-Kick - I used to say “that girl that looks like Leelee Sobieski dies from a kick in the face?”. Maybe she dies from hitting her back on the wall of picture frames. They can be deadly. Then I saw that it actually WAS Leelee Sobieski according to her IMDB page. She was also in the new Dungeon Siege movie that made $80,000 in its last day as listed in theaters (1338 of them). For the math challenged, that’s $60 per theater. Fire your agent.
Take Those Masks Off - Unfortunately, there’s no intense way to knock a mask off of a 8 year-old’s face. Also, I’m pretty sure the kids would just pick up and put them back on as he runs away.
Project Grizzly - No, not Troy Hurtubise’s Project Grizzly… but Nic Cage’s superb disguise — he really blends in with the crazies. In case you were wondering, it’s still possible to crank a woman in the face while wearing a full bear suit.
It’s Murda - When you’re about to be killed by people who wear ridiculous masks and worship honey, your last resort is to reason with them. Hopefully, you’re a master tactician like Nic Cage that can highlight the legal implications of their actions. If you don’t find yourself quite as comfortable with legalese, you’re absolutely fucked.
Bees in Your Eye - This is my favorite scene. Hear me out. I definitely did not laugh as hard at this scene at first. But consider the fact that those are CGI bees. Nicolas Cage is reaching deep into the depth of his acting talent that brought us the likes of Cameron “Learning Disability” Poe to summon this raw emotion. The phrase “NOT THE BEES NOT THE BEES ARRRGHHHGHGHGRRRRGH OHHH THEY’RE IN MY EYES MY EYES ARRRGHGHHGARARGHHGHG” will always send a chill down my spine.
CGI bees freak me out too
In conclusion, I wish that I could be as funny as the mofos that unintentionally created a hilarious movie. It takes a lot of hard work to let your creative juices flow and completely lose sight of anything that makes sense. I haven’t seen anything lately that is so bat-shit-crazy in a good way. On top of that, you need “A Nicolas Cage” to bring it to the silver screen… or YouTube. From the bottom of my heart, I thank everybody involved in this production.
I was watching the O’Reilly Factor the other night. Don’t worry — it’s purely for entertainment purposes. I actually used to watch it somewhat regularly about four or five years ago (I also used to watch a lot of MSNBC’s broadcast of Imus… I’m a weird guy). The Factor was spot-on as usual (kidding) when they decided to discuss the ENTERTAINEMENT business.
I might put more stock in FoxNews entertainment coverage if they could spell the word correctly
After bringing up Heath Ledger and showing some video of a throng of paparazzi outside of his house, O’Reilly clumsily segued to Oscar nominees. Reviewing the list, O’Reilly declared that he wouldn’t see Atonement because it’s British and he “doesn’t understand the accents” … ok. He went on to say that Juno was the best movie on the list (haven’t seen it, can’t disagree) and that There Will Be Blood was unwatchable because people can’t “watch oil” for nearly three hours. He also dismissed No Country for Old Men because he didn’t understand the ending. Insightful.
The next part was the most entertaine-ing though. Along with his FoxNews cronies (read: scrubs) Jill Dobson and Bill McCuddy, O’Reilly launched into a diatribe about how the Best Picture nominees don’t match up with the top box office earners of the year. Huh? So what? I guess it was an attempt at his usual “sticking up for the common man so nobody can challenge me unless they’re against America argument, but it really made no sense at all.
O’Reilly jumped the shark in 2002. He used to actually be able to at least provide entertainment value, but now his subjects (whether people or topics of discussion) are just punching bags. Although, I still get immense pleasure from reading his sexual harassment complaint. I mean, what guy doesn’t masturbate with a vibrator?
The Bucket List opens tomorrow. Is anybody going to see it? I was walking through the subway yesterday and saw the poster for it and Jack Nicholson’s teeth are scary. You can check that out on the official site here. Maybe you want to add The Bucket List’s facebook application! Sweet viral marketing.
I actually think The Bucket List will do well this weekend. Why? Two big time stars. There’s nothing opening that’s going after the same audience (First Sunday, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A Veggietales Movie… longest titles ever?). They could be hurt by parents taking their kids to Veggietales. TBL opens on 2800 screens tomorrow (per Hollywood Reporter) and it killed in its opening weekend (limited release, 16 screens) with a per screen of $20,989. For comparison, I Am Legend did $21,411 in its opening weekend (but on 3000+ screens).
I see The Bucket List taking in about $14-16 million this weekend. I feel like Veggietales will pull in around the same amount but more — but that’s a complete guess. This weekend will be a lot like last weekend with a handful of movies bringing in similar revenue. But after the first week, TBL will not have staying power. You can look at the daily chart and see that it’s averages have dropped dramatically in its 3rd week of limited release. This drop will be magnified when it’s in 2800 screens and I would be surprised if it made it past 6 weeks. I think the domestic gross will be close the $45 million production budget, making it a profitable movie (don’t think it’ll crack $60 mn domestically). But you’d expect more out of this duo. Another thing: it’s written by a 36 year old writer. That’s probably why a handful of reviews called it “manipulative”.
It’s borderline insane to think this much about The Bucket List in this depth. It’s probably because I’m really against this movie. I just think it’s going to be crap — maybe I’ll be wrong. However, this is from the same guy who had high expectations for Wild Hogs…. and I enjoyed the hell out of that movie.
UPDATE: Veggietales is only on about 1000 screens, so that prediction will be completely wrong. The Bucket List opens on 2919 screens.
OCD was launched in early 2008 by the Official Chris Duncan. He writes about pop culture and current events including entertainment news, trashy reality TV, sports, politics, and celebrity culture.
#2 From VH1s Scream Queens speed up to the 1:15 mark http://www.vh1.com/video/play.jhtml?id=1600883&vid=324490 And don't give me shit, I caught this randomly flipping through...
This is indeed the D.A.S. Wassup Forum. I nominate you to be the official keeper of the DAS Wassup encounter thread. And don't worry, I'm crafting a few gay porn sites right now!
