The Official Chris Duncan Web Site

OCD Actual Conversation: Madden Sick Day

2008-08-12T12:32:00.004-04:00

Madden comes out today and it's no surprise that freaks are skipping work to play. I was talking to my buddy Paul after he returned from the bar last night. He had met one of his fraternity brothers, had a few drinks, and they discussed Madden. His friend is my new hero. You can't make this stuff up.

Clearly, Jerry Rice cannot be bothered unless it's for reality TV

OCD: Madden IS out. It came out at midnight.
Paul: Yeah, so I was talking to ******* and he told me that he's skipping work tomorrow to play Madden all day.
OCD: Wow, what a dumbass. Although, I've actually heard of people doing that before.
Paul: Yeah... but he has a PlayStation 2.
OCD: (hysterical laughter)

OCD Quote of the Day 8/6

2008-08-06T14:19:00.004-04:00

"News: Smith looked sharp during Friday's training camp, despite missing the first hour of practice while struggling to provide a urine sample for a drug test, the Baltimore Sun reports." - ESPN Fantasy Football Player News

Troy Smith is strugg-a-ling to urinate. When I read this, I figured that it meant he was having trouble draining the snake. Alex thought it might mean that he misplaced his urine sample. In any case, it looks like Troy Smith might be in the market for a Whizzinator. Remember when you used crayons to draw people and everybody's skin was peach? Luckily, these badboys come in a variety of colors: white, tan, "latino" (hahahaha), brown, and black. I was going to get one of those for myself, but they didn't come in childrens' sizes.

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A Trucker Stache Can't Hide Your Shame

2008-08-05T07:00:00.001-04:00

Michael Phelps has a laundry list of amazing accomplishments. However, I believe he's topped himself with his most recent feat. My buddy Alex sent me a link to Michael "DUI" Phelps rocking a proper trucker 'stache. In my book, this is humongous. The guy is definitely going to win medals and he will be forever remembered (in his PRIME, at that) with a trucker stache. Think it's a tribute to Mark Spitz? One more sweet Michael Phelps tidbit: his middle name is Fred.

He needs a neoprene ski mask to cover that stache? Dental dam?
You might think that Mr. Phelps is random and hilarious, but I think this facial art is backlash. In a recent photoshoot with Men's Journal, Phelps looks uber gay. I know it's a fitness/outdoor/lifestyle magazine, I know he's a swimmer so he has to wear a Speedo, etc. But this is PRETTY bad. First off, they could've pulled up their trousers a tad. Second, they don't really need to be shirtless. Third, the creative director could have branched out beyond "oiled up" and "arm on shoulder". If you're so daring, there's also a "water fight" and Michael-Phelps-Flexing-in-a-Speedo pictures on the Men's Journal website.

"How about this time around I put MY arm on YOUR shoulder?"
But now I have to know... which is a worst career move: trucker "tribute" stache or gay magazine cover? YOU DECIDE.

Which of these is the worse career move for Michael Phelps? ( surveys)

OCD Breakdown: The OCDeez Have Spoken

2008-08-04T13:46:00.000-04:00

From this point forward, I will refer to my "fans" as OCDeez. I think it's fittingly offensive yet affectionate. If you don't like it, F you. Don't worry though -- we can make Diddy-style transitions to sweet new aliases. You can send me suggestions. They probably won't be as funny as what I come up with though.

But this post is about the opinions of the Deez. There have been numerous polls on this site since its inception with some more surprising than others. We have made incredible discoveries: Sean Connery's Domestic Abuse Is Divisive, Everybody Thinks Matthew McConaughey Uses HGH, and Tim Tebow's Croc-Wearing Can Be Forgiven.

Are these hipster jeans too skinny?

Not if you're on the L train 4

Per Paul: Fuck yea those dumbass jeans are too skinny 4

Maybe, but how else will people know that I like indie rock? 3

I sold all of my Zubaz pants in 1994 1

It's not like your penis needs to breathe 1

But they matched my offensively-colored sunglasses! 0

How many beers did Stanley Kobierowski drink to register a .491 BAC?

30+ 15

26-30 8

21-25 4

15-20 0

Should Tim Tebow be allowed to wear Crocs?

Tebow's Girlfriend Seems Like She Has A Great Personality 7

Nobody Should Wear Crocs 3

You've Seen His Jump Pass, Right? 1

Yes 1

No 1

QB Draw 0

Who should ARod do?

Jeter 5

Madonna 2

Joslyn Morse 0

What is your favorite MexiKen picture?

Timid Climber 6

Totally DTF 1

Cross My Heart And Hope To Fabulous 0

Do you think Matthew McConaughey has used HGH?

Yes 9

No 2

Not sure 0

Is it OK to strike a woman? (Response to: http://tinyurl.com/yf6954)

Only to Avoid a Provocative Last Word Situation 4

I'm Liberal -- Only with an Open Hand 3

Whatever Sean Connery Says Is Fine By Me 3

Other... 2

Chris Duncan Is Officially An Asshole Because the Answer Is Obviously No 1

If It Gets Barbara Walters to Stop Bitching at Me 0

Not Anymore 0

OCD Imagery: Big Guns Are Cool

2008-08-04T01:37:00.007-04:00

This is the humongous gatling gun that's inside of the A-10 Warthog. I think we should start mounting these guns on VW Beatles instead of the "Tankbuster". America, Fuck Yeah! From Wikipedia:

Although the A-10 can carry considerable disposable stores, its primary built-in weapon is the 30 mm GAU-8/A Avenger Gatling gun. One of the most powerful aircraft cannons ever flown, it fires large depleted uranium armor-piercing shells. In the original design, the pilot could switch between two rates of fire: 2,100 or 4,200 rounds per minute;[18] this was changed to a fixed rate of 3,900 rounds per minute.[19] The cannon takes about half a second to come up to speed, so 50 rounds are fired during the first second, 65 or 70 rounds per second thereafter. The gun is consistently accurate; it can place 80% of its shots within a 40-foot (12.4 meter) circle from 4,000 feet (1,220 meters) while in flight.[20] The GAU-8 is optimized for a slant range of 4,000 feet (1,220 m) with the A-10 in a 30 degree dive.[21]

"... That's What She Said"

OCD Poll: Too Skinny?

2008-07-30T09:59:00.006-04:00

Riding the V train this morning, I saw some extreme hipster fashion. I am 100% against skinny jeans and I could NEVER rock a pair like this. I think these are made for a 12 year-old girl except they're on a 25 year-old dude. Even if I chose to wear them, I don't know if I could physically get my body (and huge junk) into them. Take the poll below and let me know if these skinny jeans are TOO SKINNY:

He may have crammed his penis into those jeans, but no denim can ever contain his shame

OCD Snooze SkillZ

2008-07-26T23:55:00.001-04:00

OCD Quote of the day 7/24

2008-07-24T17:05:00.004-04:00

"Stanley Kobierowski, 34, was arrested in Providence, R.I., after smashing his car into an electronic message sign. According to state police, he allegedly blew a .489 and .491 on a Breathalyzer at the scene. That's more than six times the state's legal limit. He was brought to a local hospital and held for two days until sober enough to be arraigned, police said."

Stanley Kobierowski is a bad bad man. When I was in Cabo last March, we were getting somewhat sauced and one of the Cali kids had his own breathalyzer. My friend Alex gave it a whirl and he blew a .300. We both assumed this was wayyyy too high and that he would be crawling if he actually had a .300 BAC. But .489 is just a new level of insanity. That guy should be dead right now. The feat amazes me for two reasons 1) his body didn’t shut down before he reached that BAC and 2) he was able to drink that much volume of liquid. Let’s say he did all of his damage in a 6-8 hour span. I bet he drank between 20-30 beers in that time. Take the poll below and weigh in:

How many beers did Stanley Kobierowski drink to register a .491 BAC? ( surveys)

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What's Worse Than Getting Caught With A Tranny?

2008-07-23T10:45:00.000-04:00

You'd probably get a lot of different answers for that question. But ask Eddie Murphy and he'd probably tell you Meet Dave. Meet Dave is the new (soon-to-be-gone) Eddie Murphy movie about 100 martians that come to Earth in a human-shaped spaceship... that looks like Eddie Murphy. It's your classic fish-out-of-water, martian-comes-to-Earth-and-falls-in-love piece of garbage. So pretty much Earth Girls Are Easy minus the entertainment value.

I refuse to acknowledge that 80's fashion is back until I see somebody wearing a black and blue paisley leather suit with leather gloves and a silk scarf. Stop kidding yourself.
What does that have to do with a tranny? Not much. But you may remember that back in 1997, Eddie Murphy was stopped by police with a transvestite prostitute. We all know how that feels. The following months were a PR nightmare for the star that hurt the opening of his next movie. Holy Man opened 5th at the box office on a little over 2000 screens and made $5.1mn -- which is bad but not horrible given the situation. Holy Man also scored a miserable 10% on Rotten Tomatoes.

How did Meet Dave fare in its opening weekend? The short answer: "Eddie Murphy should stick to voice acting". This crappy Earth Girls Are Easy ripoff was showing on about 3000 screens (50% more than Holy Man) and finished SEVENTH with $5.25mn. OK, I know it's harder to score a hit in the summer... but he couldn't do better than Steve Carell's sloppy fourths (Get Smart has been out for a month). This won't gross more than $25mn domestically and Eddie Murphy movies haul in $104mn on average. I mean, I'd expect a piss poor performance like that out of somebody like Jason Statham... but Eddie Murphy? I've offered similar advice to Leelee Sobieski; FIRE YOUR AGENT, EDDIE!

Old School Miami Slice

2008-07-22T23:13:00.003-04:00

This shirt is awesome. I'm not a huge Kimbo fan, but I can at least appreciate the artistic value. I would like to see Kimbo get destroyed by Emilianenko... but that will never happen. Check out this sweet shirt:

Don't worry... I'd cut the sleeves off

I DID NOT Bone This Girl (Dorcas)

2008-07-21T11:42:00.007-04:00

Contrary to what "the internet" may tell you, Official Chris Duncan did not have sex with this girl Dorcas. I don't know a girl named Dorcas and I don't think I've ever been to St. Louis. Given the opportunity, I would try to disappoint this girl sexually ... but that was never possible. I didn't even know who this "Dorcas" person was until I received this facebook message:

SUBJECT: hey....
TIME: July 20 at 1:04pm
did you bone a girl named Dorcas who lives in stl, or was that another Chris Duncan? Just wondering, cause I saw it on thedirty.com

I don't pick up whores in bars -- I solicit them on Craigslist

That lovely tidbit of information is from TheDirty.com -- a site that is penned by a person that calls themselves Nik Richie. His real name is apparently Hooman Karamian as cited by Dirtyscottsdale Discovered. I congratulate him on running a good site, but he seems like a humongous douche (hmmm... that sounds familiar). I posted the picture of "Dorcas" and cropped his logo out of it. The guy jacked photos (personal pictures of some guy and his girlfriend) from Playboy's social network (PlayboyU) and passed them off as interesting content. Not cool.

I was in Scottsdale in February for Super Bowl and I can imagine where this guy comes from. Scottsdale is like the really try-hard version of a big city club scene. There are nice venues, beautiful people, and money -- but there's no real hierarchy to make the snobiness legit. I actually really liked Scottsdale though. But that's probably because I went to Ashley Simpson's event on Wednesday and the Madden Bowl on Thursday (where I feebly attempted to invite Roy Williams to our Playboy Party). Ah, memories... or at least reminders of memories you had they were erased.

A Lucrative New Business

2008-07-17T14:06:00.003-04:00

I saw this truck on the street. This has to be one of the most general company names of all time. Also, why is a company called "WEBSITE" driving trucks around? I wonder if there's a company called "BUSINESS" somewhere out there.

It's actually just a child molester van

Let's Get Totally Retro

2008-07-17T13:14:00.004-04:00

Here's a video clip of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen doing some dancing. I'm not really sure what this is from or what's really going on. They seem minimally entertaining and like even worse dancers. It's pretty funny how obvious it is that they're reading off of cards. I wonder how many takes it took for them to get the shitty dancing right.

There's something missing from this video... and it's called flava

Andy Dick is a "Wild" Man

2008-07-16T15:23:00.003-04:00

By now, almost everybody knows that Andy Dick is a little crazy. However, he confirmed this again by making a scene outside of a Buffalo Wild Wings. The short story is that he was peeing in the parking lot then decided to pull a teenage girl's top down. The resulting search found other drugs in his possession.

Andy Dick is as crazy as the day is long
The most shocking part of this story is that Andy Dick was at BUFFALO WILD WINGS. Shouldn't he be doing drugs at a much nicer establishment? For some reason, I can't help but picture this scene with trucker-people as the innocent bystanders. Also, can anybody explain to me why a performer would just whip it out? It says that Andy Dick has done this twice... K-Ci did it too. What gives?

Should Tim Tebow Rock Crocs?

2008-07-10T15:39:00.001-04:00

Today on Every Day Should Be Saturday, there was a picture of Tim Tebow in Thailand. That's not really a big deal... except he's wearing blue and orange Crocs. The question is: does Tim Tebow make up for his ugly ass Crocs with his hot girlfriend?

Crocs or a sex life... you can't have both.

Matt Jones Loves Cocaine

2008-07-10T11:40:00.006-04:00

I've always hated Matt Jones -- but it's because he's good. He destroyed Texas single-handedly as a Razorback. I still remember him converting on what was about 3rd and 30 like it was yesterday. I also remember that we finally (and narrowly) took down those bastards the following year.

It wasn't too surprising to hear that Matt Jones was arrested for cutting up coke in a 4Runner.

FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. (AP) — Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Matt Jones faces a felony drug charge in his former college town after police say officers found him cutting up cocaine with a credit card Thursday morning.

I went to Fayetteville (pronounced FAY-t-vull) last year for Playboy's Girls of the SEC tour. You have to fly in into NWA (that's Northwest Arkansas) and drive for an hour or so to get there. Our event was at Speakeasy -- which is the one "club" in Fayetteville. Even though we were competing with dollar beers night, we still drew a decent crowd. Having an event in Georgia the next day, I had to drive BACK to NWA at about 4AM (without GPS). Just before I went, some of the Razorback students I had been with fired up the coke party. I did not participate. So yeah, I wasn't too shocked to hear that Matt Jones was all about the llello.

OCD Classic: YOU HURT ME

2008-07-09T21:24:00.005-04:00

The guy that breaks down is awesome. In a previous scene, he wore a light blue shirt, with blue shorts, and light blue Crocs. This gem was from the episode of Wife Swap that aired last night. The clip is pretty self-explanatory...

OCD Quote of the Day 7/8: Issues with Hetero Sex

2008-07-08T07:00:00.001-04:00

"The majority is gay, but we’ve had issues with hetero sex as well. Families are upset and outraged."- George Price, Superintendent of the National Seashore

This gem is from a recent article about the substantial increase in public sex at the northeastern beaches. Apparently, shoregoers and whale watchers have encountered substantially more hanky panky. The number of incidents has more than tripled from 2007 to 2008. One complaint from 2007 from a New Jersey family claimed that they saw "a large group" of men having "sex in the nude, including oral and anal sex right out in the open." I hear you George Price -- I'm also outraged with my own recent hetero sex issues. But that's another blog post for another time.

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MGMT and Justice Make Sweet Love

2008-07-02T14:28:00.002-04:00

MGMT is awesome. "Electric Feel" is probably my favorite song from the CD Oracular Spectacular (followed by "Kids"). Additionally, I was addicted to Justice for a short time after SXSW. You can ask my roommates. So you can imagine how excited I was when I found out that Justice had remixed "Electric Feel". It's duo on duo action and the result sounds very much like a Justice song. They made the pitch of the vocals a little higher and added a variety of electronica sounds that are prevalent in "cross". Both of these groups are blowing up right now... so download the MGMT - Electric Feel (Justice Remix) and be snobby about it.

Justice side-by-side with MGMT... just like at Playboy's SXSW party

I do find it hilarious that both groups have ambiguous names. Is it em-gee-em-tee? Is it "management"? We work with their PR team for Rock the Rabbit. I've asked them which is correct ... and they don't even know. Then for Justice... "just-iss" or "joo-stees"? They ARE French. In any case, Rolling Stone says "management" and Wikipedia says "joo-stees". Fuck that though -- I'm going with "em-gee-em-tee" and "just-iss".

The Heart-Wrenching Tale of Prince Henry Stout

2008-07-02T07:26:00.002-04:00

Last week, the roommates and I ended up watching Surviving The Game. I can't remember if we DVR'd it or if we watched it as it came on -- but we watched it wire-to-wire.

My first thought when watching it was: "How did they trick all of these guys into being in this movie?" The cast includes Rutger Hauer, John C. McGinley, Gary Busey, and Ice-T (pre-badass-actor-stage). Rutger Hauer plays one of the cheesiest characters of all time. The basic story is that Ice T plays a homeless guy they recruit to be the target of human hunt. Rutger Hauer is the brains of the operation and once they get Mr. T to the cabin in the woods, he's MERCILESS with the overt-foreshadowing. It's almost laughable as during the dinner scene when Hauer tells him to "savor the meal" and when Gary Busey lets him know that you "can steal the pig's soul by looking into its eyes".

No matter what experience you hope to draw from Surviving the Game, you will be entertained. There are many moments of high tension -- like when Ice T tries to shoot his assailants with a shotgun from 200 yards away. But the best moment, BY FAR, has to be the story of Prince Henry Stout.

While we were watching this part, we couldn't really decide how much of this Busey ad-libbed. This short clip (thanks for sending, Brad) definitely challenges The Wicker Man in terms of pure insanity. It barely beats out the scene where Busey tackles Ice-T and tries to kill him.

Clearly, this was during Gary Busey's hey-day. Surviving The Game was in the middle of his Under Siege-Surviving The Game-Black Sheep-Drop Zone streak. It's unfortunate that his niche, crazy cocaine-fueled diatribes, also sparked his downfall. Hey, at least his career didn't tank as badly as his son's after Tomcats.

UPDATE: Alex found a transcript of an interview with Busey where he talks about the "Prince Henry Stout" story. Unsurprisingly, most of the speech was ad-libbed. Busey is god. He was on the I Love Money Casting Special and one guy said to him "I want to be on the A-List like you used to be!" Gary Busy was on the A-List?

Gary: That is not in the film. What's the other character you said? Surviving the Game! That was fantastic and when it came time to do the story about how I got into this game of surviving the game, the line was about three inches long. I told the director, Ernest Dickerson, I said, "Ernest, this is not enough tell the people why I'm here. Can I enlarge this?" And he said, "Yes you can." And I said, "You have just watered my garden! Thank you." So out came the story about me fighting Prince Henry Stout, the bulldog—life and death. And all that was improv. It's used in film studies now at colleges and universities to talk about the power of improvisation and spontaneity. And here is the key to spontaneity. This is a quote. Spontaneity comes from an invisible idea that is there before the creation begins—end quote. We all have it. We all have it in us, this a natural gift.

IS ARod plugging Madonna?

2008-07-01T15:44:00.000-04:00

According to US Weekly, ARod has been making visits to Madonna's Central Park West apartment. That means he's probably "getting down" with the Material Girl. Mr. Rodriguez has shown two traits that also support the veracity of the claim. He's cheated on his wife already ... with a stripper in Toronto. The other piece of evidence is his penchant for women with manly builds. I think if you check out the two pictures below, you can see what I'm talking about. If you were the best player in baseball, who would you choose? Pictures are below...

Joslyn Morse and Madonna... practically work partners

NY Post Comes Second to OCD

2008-07-01T14:49:00.001-04:00

When I saw the headline "Tossed Salads Becoming More Popular As A New York Food," I wasn't surprised. A co-worker (thanks Lindsay!) sent me this link to a New York Post article from June 18th about chop't in Midtown. Loyal readers may remember that I made a similar post about chop't on May 21st.

The best chop't line picture

Even though I know they didn't copy me, I can't help but feel ripped off. It's true: I didn't get deep into the story about the "fierce loyalties" in chop't patrons. I also did not investigate to find out that the bite-sized pieces were the selling point. But I did convey the simple message that this place is stupid busy at lunchtime. Would you stand on the street to get a salad? In any case, I think that you should continue to get your news from OCD. I'm just wondering when the first series of Mario Lopez articles will pop up in the New York papers...

OCD Breakdown: European Flair

2008-07-01T06:30:00.000-04:00

I hope that you all had the chance to catch some of the Euro the past couple weeks. It really was an amazing tournament with Spain taking it all. I didn't see everything, but I was lucky enough to catch Turkey's comeback against Czech Republic. I was also watching when David Villa scored 2 minutes into stoppage time off of a clear. But nobody cares about soccer... so I'll get to the point.

Euro soccer has been the source of numerous regrettable trends in recent years. Fashionable mullets and anything related to David Beckham (double ponytail, cornrows, etc.) come to mind immediately. The fashionable mullet (usually faux-hawked-out to some degree) is not to be confused with the standard "fabio" that's a favorite of many Italian and Argentinian players. Soccer players don't wear helmets or hats... so they have a lot of hair options.

I spotted two emerging trends at this year's Euro -- two daring players with two vastly different statements. Luca Toni, who my brother and I believe to be one of the laziest players in the world, has gone with a totally 80's look. He's got the throwback 'stache and the locks to match. Boswinga takes another approach with his disregard for grooming his massive brow. The bold eyebrows give him an imposing gaze for all to respect. Both players have blazed the way for other players to jump on board with these trends. I expect that they will both be quite popular at the Olympics and World Cup 2010.

Luca Toni's 'stache would lose to Boswinga's unibrow in a fight

OCD Quote of the Day 6/23

2008-06-23T07:00:00.002-04:00

"I gotta tell you. Jason Giambi hasn't really been in my good graces for quite some time. But now that he's clearly back on the juice and sporting a mustache, he's becoming one of my favorite players in all of baseball."- Anonymous Yankees Fan

This one comes from my friend John. He's a huge Yankees fan. I'm pretty sure that he thinks this is really funny because he agrees with it 100%. I also like Jason Giambi, so I support his return to the needle. Juice may bring back his home run power, confidence, and intimidating stare. But it won't bring back his endorsements... yet. God, I wish his deodorant commercial was still on TV. (Picture: Giambi as a minor leaguer on the Alaska Goldpanners)

Want to be famous by seeing your name on my blog? Email a tip or potential quote of the day to officialchrisduncan@gmail.com.

What A Rip Off

2008-06-20T13:04:00.004-04:00

Being an excellent writer, it isn't surprising that my work influences others. However, it's unfortunate when you work is just "re-mixed" into some bastardized version of what you originally wrote. Below are two examples of articles from the Washington Post and New York Times that are very similar to blog posts I wrote before they were published. We've almost got some Jayson Blair shit on our hands here.

Three years ago, I wrote an article for my internship that didn't get a ton of views -- but I see a similar article once a month from a major publication. The piece was about the pitfalls of online identity and the lack of privacy/permanency/availability of this web presence. My internship was about networking and recruiting, so there's an obvious career/professional slant to my piece.

From my article (7/31/2005):
"Nearly everybody has a professional presence online–even college students who don’t realize that their personal virtual presence is also often their professional personal presence. It is increasingly important to protect these representations of ourselves.

Without realizing it, these footprints that we create (or are created for us) are indexed, linked, cited, and sometimes even copied. It is available, searchable, and most scary, perpetual. An incriminating quote or picture can be saved and reproduced on a site that is out of your control."

From the Washington Post (5/2/2008):
"Social networks, which let members share photos, videos and intimate details about themselves and their friends, have pushed the boundaries of how people view their personal space. Now, the younger generations that used to embrace the voyeuristic qualities of the Web are considering the advantages of borders between their public and private lives.

In person, people tend to adapt their behavior to the situation -- talking to a co-worker requires different language and attitude than what's comfortable with a college friend. On social networks, everyone's in on the same conversation."

More recently, the New York Times fashion/design blog The Moment wrote a very similar Axe Detailer piece yesterday morning. I wrote about the AXE detailer last week after I saw an ad for the product in the July Playboy.

From my post (6/12/2008):

"You can see it has a grip, strap, and a different texture on top. But we all know this is a basic loofah. The ad in the magazine has two blurbs pointing to spots on the detailer that say "Scrubs candle wax off your chest hair" and "Washes lipstick off your neck". This way, AXE consumers know that this product is for people with penises who like vaginas. I guess candle wax and lipstick could still apply to a tranny."

From the New York Times blog The Moment (6/19/08):

"The Axe Detailer Shower Tool, I quickly discovered, is basically a souped-up loofah for men: red and black with futuristic plastic molding. “Body puffs are sooo feminine,” one wide-eyed PR woman told me. “I mean, you don’t have one, do you?” I do. It’s white and only as feminine (or masculine) as, say, a MacBook, trees, pencils or the subway."