This conversation occurred a couple days ago with a friend who had gotten into a car accident. Earlier in that day, he had told me that advertising and marketing were evil and that anybody in that field of work was basically soulless. Then he t-boned some marketing student that ran a red light. But it gets entertaining when it starts to get a little bit creepy.
My friend decided to get in touch with the witness that vouched for him. He did it in an usually manner though. This is from a guy who refuses to use facebook because he think it’s narcissistic and stalkerish. He adamantly denied any of it being skeezy though. I want you all to read this and vote in the poll below.
AnonymousAssholeFriend: A&M marketing major, ran a fucking red light and i t-boned his ass (who was also driving a mazda 6) and splattered my whole engine across the street AnonymousAssholeFriend: luckily it was his fault, so I guess your marketing “fuck you in the ass” gods tried to send me a message AnonymousAssholeFriend: nevertheless, fuck them, they didn’t change my opinion and I fucking hate them even more OfficialChrisDuncan: but doesn’t that kid/insurance have to take care of it? AnonymousAssholeFriend: yeah, but it’s an insurance company so i’m probably going to get lowballed and not be able to buy as badass a car as that was AnonymousAssholeFriend: the guy said he’d been drinking but since i’m a nice guy i didn’t tell the popo that or else he would have been double fucked OfficialChrisDuncan: nice dude… good karma AnonymousAssholeFriend: just bought that shit a month and a half ago AnonymousAssholeFriend: and get this… the girl who was a witness had her name and number on the police report i got tonight … looked her up on myspace 18 and hot OfficialChrisDuncan: you’re a creep AnonymousAssholeFriend: so i texted her and thanked her and we exchanged like 3 more messages OfficialChrisDuncan: you’re a huge creep AnonymousAssholeFriend: and she was like “let me know if i can do anything else or hopefully i’ll see you around on campus” OfficialChrisDuncan: holy shit, you have a girlfriend now AnonymousAssholeFriend: nah, unfortunately *****’s new ladyfriend is also his neighbor, so anything’s hard to pull off at this point AnonymousAssholeFriend: hey… all i did was text her thanks which i was going to do anyway before i saw she was pretty good looking OfficialChrisDuncan: you are a creep… you know what’s creepier than friending people you don’t know that well on facebook? AnonymousAssholeFriend: whatever, the dude wasn’t going to say he ran the light she did me a huge favor OfficialChrisDuncan: taking their number from a police report, looking them up on MySpace, then combining thanking them with flirting with them AnonymousAssholeFriend: haha, she didn’t seem to mind OfficialChrisDuncan: I didn’t say she wasn’t a stupid 18 year old… I said you were creepy AnonymousAssholeFriend: listen, all i did was say “thanks for being my witness” OfficialChrisDuncan: you probably put a smiley face in there or something OfficialChrisDuncan: admit it AnonymousAssholeFriend: haha, i actually did… with a wink OfficialChrisDuncan: NO FUCKING WAY YOU CREEP OfficialChrisDuncan: that’s so hilarious AnonymousAssholeFriend: just a “thanks for looking out” emoticon OfficialChrisDuncan: I see, you were trying to speak the 18 year old lingo AnonymousAssholeFriend: all i was doing was saying thanks… she didn’t have to respond AnonymousAssholeFriend: but she saw me last night and probably thought i was a sexy man so was encouraged to respond back OfficialChrisDuncan: yeah, I guess she knew she was destined to be with a guy who drove a Mazda 6… and that night it was just fate AnonymousAssholeFriend: man, i’m the least creepy dude around, i take offense to that OfficialChrisDuncan: hahaha AnonymousAssholeFriend: “got your number off the police report, just wanted to say thanks for being my witness AnonymousAssholeFriend: wtf was that AnonymousAssholeFriend: anyway, that’s all i said.. i didn’t ask her to get together even after she texted me back a couple more times OfficialChrisDuncan: we’ll let the internet be the judge of that
And this gem is a separate exchange that I had with another friends. My friends are impressively creepy.
AnonymousAssholeFriend: i love dillon texas OfficialChrisDuncan: ? AnonymousAssholeFriend: the little town in friday night lights OfficialChrisDuncan: hahah AnonymousAssholeFriend: NBD AnonymousAssholeFriend: i could seriously jack off to like 4 or 5 girl characters in this show OfficialChrisDuncan: congrats
This gem comes to me from the continent of Africa. I originally received this email on my phone in Columbus a week or so ago. The responses that followed were equally hilarious. This is a long post, so try to maintain your attention span. To reward your diligence, there is a picture of the Official Ethiopian Hooker below. I’ve only edited out real names and formatted the emails somewhat.
ORIGINAL EMAIL FROM THE ROAD WARRIOR
Sooooooooo I have an interesting African story to tell you:
Last night I proceeded to get drunk (big surprise) so I was feeling pretty spry and decided to go downstairs to the main bar and see what kind of trouble I could get into. As my boss and I were walking to a table I saw a very attractive Ethiopian woman (insert your own joke here). I sent a drink over to her table as she was alone and figured what the hell I’m Rich Bitch (comparatively).
She came over after a while and was talking to us telling me how she was finishing her album and was about to go back on tour. The main bar closed and we then went to the lounge in the hotel for one more drink. The night took an interesting turn when she informed me that she wanted me to give her a baby. I thought that was pretty sweet and informed her that I would oblige. She was going on and on about how she wanted to come to the US and “give me baby”. My boss left and she asked if I wanted to go to a shesha place. In my current state I thought whats the worst that could happen? We took a cab out of the compound (yes there are armed guards and twenty foot stone walls) and proceeded down some strange back alleys.
Finally we arrived and went into a private room and started with the shesha. After about 10 minutes of her rambling and hogging the shesha she found it necessary to lick my face and make out with me. I was in! Little did I know, or I didn’t put all the pieces together (her high-fiving all the workers, the cab, and all employees at the Hilton), that she then informed me how poor she was and wanted money for “giving her baby”. This is where it gets interesting…We went back to my room and I was still deciding wether or not to go through with it. As I am getting comfortable she orders room service and then puts on some of my clothes (her boobies were a bit saggy). She tried to make out with me reminding me of her poverty when I made the decision to tell her that I was not going to give her baby nor marry her. She was quite angry and asked if she should go. I told her to do what she wanted. She then got into bed and proceeded to fall asleep.
My next move was to take all electronics, passports, money, etc and put them in the in room safe. I couldn’t fit my laptop so I hid it. I laid 300 Birr on her purse ($30 USD) and went to sleep around 5 am. Much to my chagrin that bitch wakes me up demanding more money now telling me about her love for Jesus and how poor she is. I am fucking tired and not really interested in dealing with her anymore. She told me I wasted her time and I reminded her that all she did was lick my face and tried to give me an over the pants foot-job (awful by the way). I went back to my safe and gave her an extra 200 Birr and told her to give me my clothes back. I went to the door opened it and waited for that skank to leave. When I woke up I found my room key missing and assumed that she was going to come back with some sort of angry African pimp so I went downstairs and asked the front desk to change the lock and quickly. I am hoping the whore doesn’t come back to the bar tonight as there are quite a number of English and South African women who are in for some sort of banking conference. The sad thing is that I didn’t realize she was a hooker until she actually asked for money. I should have seen that one a mile away. I think she only wanted 1500 Birr for “a baby” which is pretty good considering my last experience. I have a picture of her on my digital camera which I will share when I get back. I have now been propositioned on every continent I visited. Awesome.
Discuss where I went wrong.
- XXXX “Jungle Fever” XxXXXXXX
Here is the OFFICIAL ETHIOPIAN HOOKER. I noticed the stain on the sheets. My guess is that it’s actually food, but I magnified it 5X so people could analyze. My feelings on the situation? The Road Warrior saw the opportunity to use his penis and common sense deserted him. However, after enough of “the runaround”, he came to his senses and considered the monetary implications of his actions. The Road Warrior opted for damage control at an appropriate time and even had the foresight to avoid an African pimp. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have done the same…
The Road Warrior’s Special Lady (of the Night)
RESPONSE #1 - THE BROTHER
Where did you go wrong….Hmmmm….where do I begin
1. you were drunk 2. YOu thought you could get laid in Ethiopia 3. YOu didn’t recognize a hooker (I figured you’d have seen that coming a mile away) 4. You’re [name removed]
RESPONSE #2 - CONCERNED FRIEND
As your brother mentioned, you made a number of mistakes. Please find more information below.
1). You believed her concert tour story, just like I believe every stripper really IS going to school and not using the money to buy coke and abortions.
2). You assumed an attractive Ethiopian woman was interested in you. Not that you’re not man pretty, but in a country like that you have to use your assets to eat.
3). You asked what the worst tha could happen. In summation, AIDS! And over there they don’t have Magic Johnson AIDS, they’ve got legit John Holmes AIDS. That’s worse than death.
4). Although Charlie Sheen says he doesn’t pay for sex, he pays them to leave in the morning, I feel like you were / are a sucker for droppin a Grant to have your clothes smell like Ethiopian and feverishly masturbate to a potential halfie baby making session, where the best you could hope for would be to name your child Chris.
That is not all, but sufficient for now. No homo.
RESPONSE #3 - CONCERNED FRIEND
1. Once you found out she was a hooker you didn’t kick her out fast enough. No matter the continent, hookers do not have souls.
2. Saggy titties are for poor people. I met Lane’s girlfriend today. She has sweet rockin’ tits despite also having a 3 year old. AMERICA BITCH! (At this point I’d like to clarify that yes I am emailing drunk)
3. I’m pretty sure even I told you not to let your chubby weiner out of your sight (usually not a problem during sex) when you were in Africa, but apparently you have no use for the one good piece of advice I will ever give you. Despite his blinding whiteness, [name removed] is right about the aids thing. I’d consider supergluing a condom onto your member (and over your ass?) for the rest of the trip.
4. At least the exchange rate is in your favor, so unlike your European hooker story at least this one did not cost you very much.
5. If you ever name your kid Chris, you are officially my bitch for life. Or Duncan’s. In which case … moral victory.
I would have posted this earlier, but Time Warner is trying to silence me by shutting down my internet. That… or incompetence. In any case, I had a lovely conversation with my old friend from high school. He lives in Texas and recently went to see the GZA in concert. I was quite entertained by this exchange. However, I still need somebody to give me more details on the “Dallas mafia”.
He’s trying to figure out how to bang your girlfriend… again
Anonymous Asshole Friend: do you know who the Gza is? from the wutang clan? Anonymous Asshole Friend: He’s cousin to the Rza, and one of the best rappers ever, but (name removed), me and this girl we know who drove us saw him in Austin last night, and after the show she got on his tour bus and boned the Gza OfficialChrisDuncan: hahahaha Anonymous Asshole Friend: it was pretty funny except for the part where we waited outside the Gza’s tour bus for two hours OfficialChrisDuncan: wow, that’s a lot of boning OfficialChrisDuncan: was she hot? Anonymous Asshole Friend: yeah she’s super hot OfficialChrisDuncan: that’s disappointing Anonymous Asshole Friend: we know her boyfriend Anonymous Asshole Friend: her boyfriend that deals underground card games for the Dallas mafia
Madden comes out today and it’s no surprise that freaks are skipping work to play. I was talking to my buddy Paul after he returned from the bar last night. He had met one of his fraternity brothers, had a few drinks, and they discussed Madden. His friend is my new hero. You can’t make this stuff up.
Clearly, Jerry Rice cannot be bothered unless it’s for reality TV
OCD: Madden IS out. It came out at midnight. Paul: Yeah, so I was talking to ******* and he told me that he’s skipping work tomorrow to play Madden all day. OCD: Wow, what a dumbass. Although, I’ve actually heard of people doing that before. Paul: Yeah… but he has a PlayStation 2. OCD: (hysterical laughter)
Below are two recent exchanges … one between me and a friend (Anonymous Asshole Friend) and the other is with my co-worker Lisa K and a girl that wanted a job in our department. Two things are clear: Isiah Thomas is a jackass and you should put more than 5 minutes of effort into a cover letter.
OCD: Now Cablevision is trying again, with a $15 million campaign — the biggest since Fuse was introduced in 2003 — and yet another attempt to portray Fuse as a source of mainstream music. This time, Cablevision is turning to one of its own to make the marketing work: Kristin Dolan, who, in addition to being a senior vice president at the company, is the wife of James L. Dolan, Cablevision’s chief executive. AAF: hahaha awesome OCD: In addition to boning the CEO, she is also a marketing person AAF: and isiah thomas has been named general manager, president and head coach of the fuse network
From Lisa > Hi Cameron: > > Thanks for sending this through. A word to the wise, when you are > sending a cover letter, you should probably fill in the generic blanks > before sending
Cameron’s Response I’m mortified. Thank you for telling me instead of just not responding, now it’s a mistake I’ll never make again. Sorry for wasting your time and I appreciate your response.
Apparently one of my friends has decided that Bruce Bowen is gay. It’s actually pretty funny for me to imagine him with a hoop earring and some flamboyant clothing. The “bonghitters” mention is a reference to us getting smoked (pun somewhat intended) by the High Times softball team.
Bruce Bowen does not like these allegations
Anonymous Asshole Friend: do you think the NBA’s nightmare will come true with another Spurs V Pistons final? OfficialChrisDuncan: hahaha… that would be great OfficialChrisDuncan: I’ll kill myself if it’s Celtics/Lakers and they talk about the tradition OfficialChrisDuncan: and how Kobe vs. KG is like Magic vs. Bird Anonymous Asshole Friend: haha, me too, i really don’t want to see that OfficialChrisDuncan: god, that would be the worst OfficialChrisDuncan: it also makes me happy knowing that Kobe will be one year older without winning OfficialChrisDuncan: http://www.playboy.com/blog/2008/05/bad-news-bunnies.html#more Anonymous Asshole Friend: agreed, i too would love another pistons spurs cause the spurs own detroit and i need some hockey retribution OfficialChrisDuncan: hahah FUCK YOU OfficialChrisDuncan: Spurs are very good though OfficialChrisDuncan: I like their team a lot Anonymous Asshole Friend: the best OfficialChrisDuncan: minus Bruce Bowen and Tony Parker Anonymous Asshole Friend: you don’t like them? OfficialChrisDuncan: Manu pisses me off because he’s good OfficialChrisDuncan: Bruce Bowen is douche and I think TP is overrated OfficialChrisDuncan: maybe TP isn’t overrated anymore Anonymous Asshole Friend: TP is not overrated Anonymous Asshole Friend: points in the paint man, he owns that shit and he’s little Anonymous Asshole Friend: Bowen pisses everyone off who isn’t a spurs fan but that’s his job OfficialChrisDuncan: yeah… the Claude Lemieux Anonymous Asshole Friend: haha … who isn’t a bitch Anonymous Asshole Friend: bruce bowen looks like a gay man too Anonymous Asshole Friend: if he had an earing in his ear OfficialChrisDuncan: hahahahah OfficialChrisDuncan: don’t make me cackle at work Anonymous Asshole Friend: it’s true, spurs are the bonghitters of NBA basketball
You can tell that my friends are quality individuals. I had to change one detail slightly so it’s not completely obvious who this is. In any case, this is one of the best stories of all time.
Anonymous Asshole Friend: ya know, i dont think i ever told you the funniest thing that happened to me while i was down south Official Chris Duncan: haha Anonymous Asshole Friend: so good … the last night i was there, when i went to the strip club and got 20 mins worth of lap dances Anonymous Asshole Friend: i get a text from my sister that just says “mom is asleep” Anonymous Asshole Friend: because apparently, the stripper, while performing said lap dance Official Chris Duncan: haha Anonymous Asshole Friend: grinded on my phone, and called my mom Official Chris Duncan: amazing Anonymous Asshole Friend: yeah, i mean, you cant even make taht shit up haha
I’m also waiting for a recount of the Vegas stripper story I heard last night. My roommate Brad was in Vegas rolling deep — and they had to leave a man behind.
Below is a log of an actual online conversation that I had with a friend. This paints a better picture of the douchebags that I associate with. Some details have been removed/changed — I wouldn’t want to out him for being the piece of shit that he truly is.
Anonymous Asshole Friend haha, i havent had that yet, but i had a pretty comical experience over the past couple weeks i was trying to mack it to this girl who i met at the st patricks day parade, a friend of (name removed) basically she was around last week
OfficialChrisDuncan haha, NICE those are the kind of girls that I like… ones that are around, baby haha
Anonymous Asshole Friend and she was like, i dont want to say all over me
OfficialChrisDuncan you can, go ahead
Anonymous Asshole Friend but touching, and like, seeking out my conversation the whole night and i talked to her the whole time and we both got hammered
OfficialChrisDuncan oh yeah
Anonymous Asshole Friend and i honestly dont really remember a thing i talked about with her
Anonymous Asshole Friend i ended up walking home i assume never said goodbye or maybe i did, but i doubt it
OfficialChrisDuncan the old drunken bolt
Anonymous Asshole Friend so shes coming to the game last sat and she like, gave me a good hello and whatnot and anyway, after the whole day, i didnt really talk to her btu i talked to her at the bar afterwards and like, 2 different times i was striking up conversation, and she would answer me and be like, yeah i actually told you this
OfficialChrisDuncan haha, and you’re like “oh yeahhhhH!”
Anonymous Asshole Friend i also was hitting on a different girl the whole time at the game
OfficialChrisDuncan hahahah
Anonymous Asshole Friend who was at the game, didnt really knw her … but she recognized … me from riding the subway so i was like, a commuting celebrity to her
OfficialChrisDuncan hahaha… that’s a good in
Anonymous Asshole Friend i figured i had it in the bag
OfficialChrisDuncan yeah, the “you know who I am” routine “and you happen to care”
Anonymous Asshole Friend and shes super hot, so i talked to her the whole time “so…what stop to do youget off”
OCD was launched in early 2008 by the Official Chris Duncan. The narcissistic jackass chronicles his work at Playboy in addition to covering trashy reality TV, sports, current events, politics, and celebrity culture.
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