The Official Chris Duncan Web Site

We go to CollegeFest in Boston every year and it’s one of my favorite events. It’s one of the few times that I get to “give back to the community”. Typically 15,000+ students attend CollegeFest and most of them line up to get into our booth. It’s really kind of insane — some kids wait 2-3 hours just to get in. We headed to Boston on a Thursday for an event at The Greatest Bar then CollegeFest was on Saturday and Sunday. The Playboy girls that had the (dis)pleasure of working with me were: Miss October 2008 Kelly Carrington, Cyber Girl Amanda Corey, Cyber Girl Jo Garcia, and Miss Playboy Mobile Amber J. From Boston, I had booked Cyber Girl Brittany Sylvanowicz and Special Edition Model Lauren D’Marie that had worked a previous TNT event with me. Later, I would also meet The Playboy Energy Girls.

THURSDAY @ THE GREATEST BAR

“The Greatest Bar” is OK but certainly not great. It was supposed to be a Playboy Energy Party and we were just tagging along … with our two bands that were set to play and a video crew. Our bands were running late (since they were driving in that day) but were able to finish the sound check before 9. When 9PM (the supposed start time of this party) rolled around, the Playboy Energy Bus was still AWOL. They arrived before I had a heart attack and it was quite a sight. The girls had on heels, high socks, short black skirts, and wifebeaters. Aside from the one Asian girl, they all had bleached blonde hair. They pretty much stayed in their corner all night when they weren’t throwing shirts from the bar. It was an exclusive area in the most uncool way — the bar wasn’t exactly packed. The first band, Illinois, got an interesting reception. They’re a badass indie rock band who include a steel guitar and banjo in the performance. I enjoyed it but the crowd wasn’t exactly “getting down” … and then they literally blew a fuse. Luckily, the (ripoff) sound guy repaired it before we scrapped the remaining performances. The White Tie Affair gave another outstanding performance that included the lead singer Chris standing on the bar. It probably had something to do with the lunchboxes that the Greatest Bar bartenders were throwing at the band. It was a strange mix of stalker-teen White Tie fans, bleach blonde models, old men, and Playboy staff — but it was a good time.

FRIDAY - SET UP DAY

The day before CollegeFest is a beeyotch. You get to a booth that you’ve dropped $15K on and it looks like garbage. After the initial panic subsided, we started to put our “Playboy Lounge” together and it looked great. It was more relieving when the union guys brought our 5000 pound shipment from the receiving area. We were no longer screwed and the outlook was good. We finished in time for a reasonable dinner time.

I went to a place called Rock Bottom with Neal (who runs a sub par blog called Real Cinch) and James. They’re both pencil-pushing proposal writers… that’s right, you heard me… blog about it. Neal pussed out, so James and I went to Revolution Rock Bar to catch up with the Playboy Energy Bus.

If I could fight the Energy Bus, I would
There was a line outside, but we got out of the cab and just said we were with Playboy and showed our business cards. I know, I sound like a douche, but I don’t think I’ve ever done that before in “real life” (while sober). Inside, there was a similar Playboy Energy situation… this bar was packed and the hooker-ish crew was relegated in the corner. I hate going to “da club” if I’m not sitting at a table simply because it’s unbearable (and hopefully I’m drinking for free if I’m sitting at a table). From my spot in the corner, I observed that the bar was at least 2/3 guys… lame. I tried striking up a conversation with one of the Playboy Energy girls out of sheer boredom. She went along with it for a while and then went ice cold. Little did she know that I was the one being charitable. After James and I had a couple beers, the camera crew went outside to film the inside of the Energy Bus. As soon as we stepped on, some David Beckham-wannabe that was somehow “in charge” of this tour told me that everybody needed to be quiet. Two seconds later, James and I were standing outside of the bus. Nothing pisses me off more than some douchebag thinking he’s important because he has 4 promo models behind him. What a prick.

SATURDAY - COLLEGEFEST DAY ONE

The first day of CollegeFest started out smoothly. The Playboy Energy Girls (one security guard called them the “Swedish Basketball Team”) showed up a little bit after noon and I wasn’t prepared for our models’ reaction. They were all pissed off that these girls had matching outfits and they didn’t. I had considered the Energy outfits whore-ish, so this was surprising. I don’t think they consider the fact that I dictate their attire for these events; they have foolishly opened Pandora’s Box. Maybe I’ll even make it an OCD poll next time.

My first question was: how much?
The drama didn’t end there. Jo Garcia lost her iPhone during the event. I figured it was just James’ sleazy way to get her number. But once he had her number in his phone and called it a few times, we still couldn’t find it. She started freaking out, which was reasonable given the situation. Our discussion of “it sucks to lose a phone” suddenly turned when one girls conjectured that she had naked pictures of herself on the phone. I couldn’t let that go and prodded her further:

OCD: What do you mean she probably had naked pictures of herself on there?
BUNNY: Well, a lot of the time girls in relationships have naked pictures on her phone.
OCD: Do you have naked pictures of yourself on your phone?
BUNNY: Yes.
OCD: More than 50?
BUNNY: Ha, no!
OCD: More than 10?
BUNNY: No
OCD: More than 3?
BUNNY: Yes
OCD: Awesome, I just have two dick pics on mine.

And then I stole her phone. Not really. I did make a “dick pic” comment though… I can’t help myself. Other than the drama of the lost phone (and no matching prostitute costumes), the day was a success. Chamillionaire, who I like, performed the last show of the day … and sucked. It was disappointing.

Don’t worry — they actually hate me
After dinner that night, we all met in the hotel bar to have a few drinks. In one of my conversations, I was told that Brody Jenner made $30K from a recent appearance in New York. I wish my job was to “make appearances”. As you know, I’ve rolled up on these jokers before in Phoenix. It’s actually pretty close between him and his stepsister Kim Kardashian. I’ve heard of her making around $10K, but I’ve also heard that she’s been paid $50K for a Miami event. By comparison, you can book an Official Chris Duncan appearance for $1000 (and you can touch it for $2000).

Unfortunately, the night ended without me being able to successfully sleaze any of our girls. That’s a joke. I keep it classy. We were staying at a nice hotel though, so I was trolling the bar for hookers (just kidding, Doug) at the same time. You can spot them a mile away: usually two relatively well-dressed but slutty looking girls scanning the bar back-to-back. I saw a couple of girls like this sitting at the end of the bar and pulled up next to them while ordering a drink. I don’t remember exactly how our conversation started, but we established that they had just moved to Boston from New York. Then the closer girl asked me if I was gay because she said she was gay and could pick up on “gay signals”. Awesome. That’s how to NOT to land a John. I still think they were hookers… probably not.

SUNDAY - COLLEGEFEST DAY TWO

An hour after the show started, Neal and I went to get lunch for the crew. Upon leaving the food court, I had three pizzas boxes in my arms and there was a slight drizzle but then something caught my eye. Some random adult man in the food court was wearing the most ridiculous shirt of all time. I’ve seen kids with Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse shirts and I assume they cost like $200, but this guy was wearing what looked to be a nylon Cookie Monster shirt.

This image is equal parts shameful, hilarious, and awesome
Soulja Boy had the final performance at CollegeFest. I wasn’t really watching, but I was later told that he threw like $2000 in cash from the stage. At least he didn’t try to pick it all up like Pacman Jones. On cue when the show closes, all of the Real World cast members try to sleaze on the Playboy girls. Last year, it was Alex from Denver and Evan from Real World/Road Rules. This year, Cohutta from Sydney made his way over to our booth. It’s always hilarious to me when somebody semi-famous is kind of sneaking around trying to get in. Unfortunately, there’s no booze at CollegeFest, so he wasn’t in drunken rake-in-the-college-poon mode like fellow cast member Isaac last week in Columbus.

With CollegeFest behind me, there’s a small period of rest on the horizon. I will have to be well rested when I start growing my mustache for Movember next month.

Contrary to what “the internet” may tell you, Official Chris Duncan did not have sex with this girl Dorcas. I don’t know a girl named Dorcas and I don’t think I’ve ever been to St. Louis. Given the opportunity, I would try to disappoint this girl sexually … but that was never possible. I didn’t even know who this “Dorcas” person was until I received this facebook message:

SUBJECT: hey….
TIME: July 20 at 1:04pm
did you bone a girl named Dorcas who lives in stl, or was that another Chris Duncan? Just wondering, cause I saw it on thedirty.com

I don’t pick up whores in bars — I solicit them on Craigslist

That lovely tidbit of information is from TheDirty.com — a site that is penned by a person that calls themselves Nik Richie. His real name is apparently Hooman Karamian as cited by Dirtyscottsdale Discovered. I congratulate him on running a good site, but he seems like a humongous douche (hmmm… that sounds familiar). I posted the picture of “Dorcas” and cropped his logo out of it. The guy jacked photos (personal pictures of some guy and his girlfriend) from Playboy’s social network (PlayboyU) and passed them off as interesting content. Not cool.

I was in Scottsdale in February for Super Bowl and I can imagine where this guy comes from. Scottsdale is like the really try-hard version of a big city club scene. There are nice venues, beautiful people, and money — but there’s no real hierarchy to make the snobiness legit. I actually really liked Scottsdale though. But that’s probably because I went to Ashley Simpson’s event on Wednesday and the Madden Bowl on Thursday (where I feebly attempted to invite Roy Williams to our Playboy Party). Ah, memories… or at least reminders of memories you had they were erased.

I don’t really know if any of you noticed or cared about that picture of Kiefer Sutherland (I thought it was funny). In any case, Kiefer Sutherland fans did. The day that I posted that picture and the day after had two of the highest visitor totals in the short life of this site. A few Kiefer fan sites posted the picture (specifically 24headquarters.com and kiefersutherlandhome.com) and I’m guessing they all got a kick out of it.

There were some who did not like my post. They had no problem with the picture itself, but my description of the picture was out of line. Posters on the site the Kiefers Place forum felt that I had portrayed Kiefer in a bad light by putting “(drinking)” in a sentence. First of all, it was half joking. Second, this is from a guy who just got out of jail for a DUI and has a YouTube video of him tackling a Christmas tree. It’s true, he could be the every-man who says, “I want to get a snack before a turn in. I want to be among the people… $1.25 Gray’s Papaya hot dogs for me!” Or he’s a drunk guy who wants to stuff his face with a few ill-advised greasy snacks before passing out.

From Lady Sutherland:

Oh I DETEST how all these kinds of articles always seem to KNOW that Kiefer was up drinking.
How? HOW!? DAMMIT!
The guy looks tired. And hot dogs are 2am? Who cares? If the guy is hungry, HE’S HUNGRY!
Leave him the hell alone!
Seriously, I’d give Michael a run for his money and be Kief’s bodyguard. The guy needs to be left alone
But he is looking good!

From NikiLLxD:

Totally agree Mel!
He looks tired! Maybe he had a couple of drink! But for christ shake! That doesn’t mean he was DEAD DRUNK!
And whatever! Had a drink or not?! He was out having some fun! Just because he is famous, it doesn’t mean he’s not aloud

The man just got out of jail for a DUI arrest and has a YouTube video of him tackling a Christmas Tree. I think it’s fair to say if my friend said he seemed a little tipsy that he could have been drinking. In any case, these people are a little bit on the crazy side. Here’s a sampling of some of the pictures in their profiles that shed a little more light on their bias.

My personal favorite is the coy shirt tug on the right side of the second picture. I’m waiting for “Lady Sutherland” to approve my membership to their forum so I can reply to their posts. If you want to check out the thread, you can find it here.

I’m a delinquent blogger and I apologize. After spending enough time in Mexico, you lose the ability to organize your thoughts in a manner that doesn’t end with tequila shots. I’m sure my passionate readership along with a few random Kiefer Sutherland fans are dying to hear the “haps” south of the border. I tried to recount the first week of spring break chronologically and that didn’t really work out… so I’ve written it in the form of a letter. The letter is to my dear friend Alex of standing-next-to-Kiefer-Sutherland-with-a-mustache fame. He’s my roommate and he’s a model (the kind that gets paid for handsome). He grows mustaches in his spare time. Last year, he went to Cabo but didn’t get the chance this year. Sorry, brother.

Dear Mustachioed Friend Alex,

I’m sorry that you didn’t get to make the trip to Meh-hee-co this year but you’re not missing out on that much… no, that’s a lie. If you’re too lazy to actually read, the my Spring Break week 2 pictures are on the Official Chris Duncan Flickr and the videos are on the Official Chris Duncan YouTube channel.

I met The Beasts of Eden (an awesome band from Brooklyn) at their sound check at Cabo Wabo. They were enjoying their first tequila shots of the trip late that afternoon… and some did not return until well after the sun came up. Luckily, they are bad ass enough to handle performing in the middle of being professional rockers. The Beasts of Eden song “Only Good at Looking Good” is probably my favorite. They have another song “Two Suns” but it’s not on the debut EP. I’ve seen them do it live twice (?) and it’s fucking awesome. They played it at their last set at Nikki Beach with Paul Dateh. We had a sweet set up at Hotel Bahia and when we asked them for a fridge full of beers for the band, they obliged.

The Beasts of Eden rocking Cabo Wabo (L) and Nikki Beach (R)

There were a few lovely ladies with me for the trip as well. Maybe you’ve heard of Playmate Lindsay Wagner or Cyber Girls Jillian Beyor, Jessica Danielle, and Aubrie Lemon? Oh yeah, you met them (except for Lindsay) last year in Mexico. Jessica actually remembered talking to you on the flight back to LA last year. Don’t worry… she’s getting engaged and you’re not quite handsome enough for her. I liked hanging out with Lindsay. Is it fucked up that her ability to destroy Burger King turns me on? I guess that’s my type … 20 year old Playmates that can eat anything they want. It was also entertaining to give her shit about the infamous Terrence Nunn game-losing fumble from the Nebraska-Texas game a couple years ago.

Jessica Danielle, Lindsay Wagner, and Jillian Beyor dancing because I made them

She was also into my awesome dance moves when I cut a rug at Zoo. They were thoroughly impressed by my ten seconds of spastic, somewhat rhythmic movements that I repeated many times. I think the most people were impressed by my stint wearing the “Michael Knight” jacket though.

Rocking appropriately in the hefty bag jacket… photos courtesy of Lisa Kolodny of thedirtaythirtay.com

Shenanigans? Shenanigans occurred. At Billygan’s, we were treated to an extremely raunchy “booty shaking contest”. I’m a booty shaking contest purist and that means amateurs only. The girl that won had to be a stripper. She had some moves that had to be practiced many times to execute correctly. She decided to flash at the end and it wasn’t really even in the neighborhood of sexy.

I ended up in what I believe to be an Isuzu Trooper with 12-15 other people after a big night at El Squid Roe. I was in the passenger’s seat with some beeyotch sitting on my lap (joking) so I got to have a pleasant conversation with our driver. Her name was Sunset, she had many tats, and she liked Sublime and Rage against the Machine. Thumbs up in my book. We later found out that she was brought up in the Children of God cult — still, nice girl. It was about 5AM and we decided to hit the beach. Somehow, everybody left while I was sitting on a beach chair and after about 10 minutes I decided I was done hanging out on the beach. I only found one one of my socks at the spot where I had left my bad ass kicks. Tough loss.

One sweet thing that we did was a “name tag party” at Nowhere Bar. Basically, we had sheets of “Hello My Name Is” stickers and sharpies and let people put them on each other. The ones I got were “Fucking Humarious” (humorous-hilarious) and my favorite “Extremely Tan Forehead”. I gave out a ton, but the classic was “Strong But Gentle” for Carter from the Beasts of Eden. It became our motto for the week. At the end of the night, they name tags got more and more offensive — which is where I begin to shine. I managed to slap “DTF” on the back of some incredibly drunk girl. I also put a “DTF” on myself, so I guess it’s not all bad. The best one was probably on “Yuma”. She seemed overly “generous” and like a train might be leaving the station that night. So I wrote “3:10 to Yuma” on a sticker and Chris B from Beasts of Eden applied it courageously. Not sure who she stumbled home with that night.

“Yuma” with the name tag she earned on her back… and “green light go!” on her ass

But the night didn’t end there… I was in it for the long haul. You know, when I try to have so much fun that I miss my flight. My buddies in Cabo were having an “after party” the last night that we were in town. That meant that once Nowhere Bar closed, they had some booze and a DJ set up in another place in that plaza. It was pretty fun, very loud, and filled with people wayyy more fucked up than I was. I saw our favorite security guard from last year at the party. You know, the guy who looked like Manny from Scarface. He updated his style and didn’t have the strong mustache or slick hair anymore and decided to rock a trench coat that made me think he had 2-3 guns on him. On the last night, I did see him at the “after party” going nuts on the dance floor. I was there for maybe an hour. As I was leaving, a handful of local girls and two amazing Argentinian girls took their shirts off. I was sad.

I picked up a few awesome souvenirs. The first item I picked up in a souvenir shop. I had been eyeing them since the first week. They were sweet mexican blankets in a poncho style with NFL logos. I got a Giants one for myself and a Titans one for my brother. Apparently, it’s not worth producing unlicensed Detroit Lions merchandise. The other cool thing I got was an official Mexican police hat. Unfortunately, it’s a “baseball cap” and not a sombrero or anything like that. But hey, add those to my Cabo San Lucas turtle necklace and I’m almost an Official Mexican.

The New York Giants poncho and Mexican police hat modeled by Official Chris Duncan… jealous?

So I’m back in New York and it’s not warm. I won’t be this tan again for at least a year. Shit. In the coming weeks, we’ll be unveiling some new features at OCD with the help of some of my buddies. Stay tuned.