The Official Chris Duncan Web Site

“News: Smith looked sharp during Friday’s training camp, despite missing the first hour of practice while struggling to provide a urine sample for a drug test, the Baltimore Sun reports.” - ESPN Fantasy Football Player News

Troy Smith is strugg-a-ling to urinate. When I read this, I figured that it meant he was having trouble draining the snake. Alex thought it might mean that he misplaced his urine sample. In any case, it looks like Troy Smith might be in the market for a Whizzinator. Remember when you used crayons to draw people and everybody’s skin was peach? Luckily, these badboys come in a variety of colors: white, tan, “latino” (hahahaha), brown, and black. I was going to get one of those for myself, but they didn’t come in childrens’ sizes.

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“Stanley Kobierowski, 34, was arrested in Providence, R.I., after smashing his car into an electronic message sign. According to state police, he allegedly blew a .489 and .491 on a Breathalyzer at the scene. That’s more than six times the state’s legal limit. He was brought to a local hospital and held for two days until sober enough to be arraigned, police said.”

Stanley Kobierowski is a bad bad man. When I was in Cabo last March, we were getting somewhat sauced and one of the Cali kids had his own breathalyzer. My friend Alex gave it a whirl and he blew a .300. We both assumed this was wayyyy too high and that he would be crawling if he actually had a .300 BAC. But .489 is just a new level of insanity. That guy should be dead right now. The feat amazes me for two reasons 1) his body didn’t shut down before he reached that BAC and 2) he was able to drink that much volume of liquid. Let’s say he did all of his damage in a 6-8 hour span. I bet he drank between 20-30 beers in that time. Take the poll below and weigh in:

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“I gotta tell you. Jason Giambi hasn’t really been in my good graces for quite some time. But now that he’s clearly back on the juice and sporting a mustache, he’s becoming one of my favorite players in all of baseball.”- Anonymous Yankees Fan

This one comes from my friend John. He’s a huge Yankees fan. I’m pretty sure that he thinks this is really funny because he agrees with it 100%. I also like Jason Giambi, so I support his return to the needle. Juice may bring back his home run power, confidence, and intimidating stare. But it won’t bring back his endorsements… yet. God, I wish his deodorant commercial was still on TV. (Picture: Giambi as a minor leaguer on the Alaska Goldpanners)

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A challenge was issued and accepted. On Wednesday, the Playboy office is facing High Times in softball. It’s kind of a tradition, but this is the first time the game is being played in about 3 years. Apparently, facebook and College Humor were set to face off in beer pong… but then it got canceled. Softball is so much classier.

Our squad is made up of 16 people from marketing, editorial, security, and licensing. I think our security crew of Jimmy and Bobby will provide a lot of power — they play in the Staten Island softball league. We’re borrowing my good friend Danny from MTV and expect big things. I’ve been roiding for the past 4 weeks in preparation for the big day.

Currently, our sponsors are up in the air. We’re thinking box wine but might end up with liquor in the clubhouse. In any case, I’m positive that we’ll have lost track of the game by the end. We made some sweet uniforms for the game… BONERS 2008! The game is Wednesday in Central Park. Merciless stoner bashing is scheduled for a 6:30 PM start.

Hef would be proud

The best stoned/naked bongo player the entire world has HGH to thank for all of his records. I hate to break it to you, but the golden boy takes HGH. How do I know this? I injected it into his ass. Not really — there’s no Canseco-style smoking syringe here. I actually worked an event last year with a model named Amber Hay. She’s been in a few movies (including Beerfest) and was Joe Francis’s girlfriend… before he went to jail and became somebody’s bitch. However, she’s best known for impersonating Paris Hilton in a fake music video that is still one of the top 100 videos all-time on YouTube with 21,000,000+ views.

Amber Hay and Matthew McConaughey are linked on WhosDatedWho.com

Amber came out to dinner with us after CollegeFest and we talked the whole time. So far as I can remember, she’s from Hawaii and her dad was a professional surfer. She moved to California within the past couple years and has been pursuing a career in acting since then. She actually seemed pretty down to earth — which you might not expect with her look and profession. We eventually ended up talking about one of her recent projects. She said she had been working with Matthew McConaughey called Surfer Dude. She then went on to say that he used HGH. I wouldn’t post this if I thought it was bullshit. There’s even a comment in a blog post from JustJared that accuses him of using HGH. I mean, look at the guy… and he’s almost 40 now. Amber didn’t bring it up to be malicious — she was actually trying to defend him. You know, that old “it’s competitive in Hollywood and your body/face are your livelihood” argument that you hear constantly on E! when they do shows about eating disorders or plastic surgery.

I actually like the guy because he plays one of the best characters of all time in Dazed and Confused and also is a huge Texas Football fan. I can’t really blame the Matthew McConaughey for using HGH. Sylvester Stallone admitted that he used HGH to get in shape for Rocky Balboa. Sly also got caught with a SHITLOAD of Chinese HGH at an airport in Australia. If you watch MTV, every single one of those hulking beasts on Real World/Road Rules Challenge roids. I think they actually recruit them based on how much they can bench press. Let’s also not forget that 50 Cent, Mary J. Blige, Timbaland, and Wyclef were allegedly customers of a performance enhancing drug ring as well.

Sly Stallone defends HGH use in an interview with Matt Lauer

So I would have to lean towards believing what Amber said. I’m interested to see what other people think, so vote in the poll below: