The Official Chris Duncan Web Site

Yesterday, I encountered a incredibly accurate instance of symbolism. I ride the subway to work and am typically half-asleep on my voyage to midtown. Today, the door opened and I took a half-step out… and then nearly fell on my ass trying to avoid disaster. I immediately noticed some of the nastiest vomit of all-time splattered in my path and, luckily, avoided it. It reminded me of the situation I was about to walk into at the office. Having recently been notified that the Playboy New York office was closing, it also meant I was out of a job at the end of April. This was quite similar to the puke I was about to step in. Also, there was a mouse eating the puke. I wonder what that symbolizes. Somebody smarter than me must have a theory on that. And now, two random rants:
`

Daddy’s Girls “make the right decision”
Does anybody watch this show? You shouldn’t. I’ve given it a few tries. It’s about Rev Run’s two daughters that move to LA to start a shoe company. On the last episode, the girls were approached by a huge douchebag promoter to host a party.  You may say, “But Chris, not all club promoters are douchebags.  You need to be more accepting.”  But that would be wrong… this guy was roided out, fake-tanned, and wore one of those “L.A. club guy” shirts that have stitching on the shoulder or chest of something bad ass like a dragon.

The episode was based on their struggle with morality as they weighed raking in some cash with the club gig and keeping their squeaky clean image as spokeswomen for the Girl Scouts. Obviously, they chose the high road and opted for the Girl Scouts. I’m guessing they were offered like $10-20K. They didn’t end up hosting a club appearance… but let’s recap what actually happened. They MET this promoter at his club Vice. It wasn’t blurred out… that’s weird! Then, he later pitched them on the club appearance and talked up some of their previous hosts ranging from Jenna Jameson to I don’t remember. The point? The club gave them money anyway. They were featured on a fucking cable television show for an extended period of time as a main part of the storyline. I refuse to believe that it was coincidence and that they just FORGOT to blur the club name. Ridiculous. That show sucks — don’t watch it.
`
T.O. vs. Keyshawn: Round 2
Terrell Owens does not like Keyshawn Johnson. He’s already talked trash about Key. So I guess TO felt a little bit jealous when Keyshawn got his own interior design show on A&E. Fast forward 4 months later… and now 81 is signed up to do a reality show on VH1 produced by Rock of Love/Flavor of Love/I Love Money veterans Cris Abrego and Mark Cronin. Let’s hope for a train wreck, baby.

`

Last but not least… here are a couple of random links… Jenna Fischer looks damn fine at the SAG Awards and apparently Frito Lay has released caffeine snacks in Japan. Awesome.

One task I have at Playboy is to on a monthly basis is to remove delinquent people from our “comped subscription list”. Usually, they’re potential advertisers… mostly marketing staff, media planners, etc. It is unusual that I have to remove such a famous celebrity as I did today.  Just in case you’re unfamiliar with Michael Knight… check out Wikipedia.

We go to CollegeFest in Boston every year and it’s one of my favorite events. It’s one of the few times that I get to “give back to the community”. Typically 15,000+ students attend CollegeFest and most of them line up to get into our booth. It’s really kind of insane — some kids wait 2-3 hours just to get in. We headed to Boston on a Thursday for an event at The Greatest Bar then CollegeFest was on Saturday and Sunday. The Playboy girls that had the (dis)pleasure of working with me were: Miss October 2008 Kelly Carrington, Cyber Girl Amanda Corey, Cyber Girl Jo Garcia, and Miss Playboy Mobile Amber J. From Boston, I had booked Cyber Girl Brittany Sylvanowicz and Special Edition Model Lauren D’Marie that had worked a previous TNT event with me. Later, I would also meet The Playboy Energy Girls.

THURSDAY @ THE GREATEST BAR

“The Greatest Bar” is OK but certainly not great. It was supposed to be a Playboy Energy Party and we were just tagging along … with our two bands that were set to play and a video crew. Our bands were running late (since they were driving in that day) but were able to finish the sound check before 9. When 9PM (the supposed start time of this party) rolled around, the Playboy Energy Bus was still AWOL. They arrived before I had a heart attack and it was quite a sight. The girls had on heels, high socks, short black skirts, and wifebeaters. Aside from the one Asian girl, they all had bleached blonde hair. They pretty much stayed in their corner all night when they weren’t throwing shirts from the bar. It was an exclusive area in the most uncool way — the bar wasn’t exactly packed. The first band, Illinois, got an interesting reception. They’re a badass indie rock band who include a steel guitar and banjo in the performance. I enjoyed it but the crowd wasn’t exactly “getting down” … and then they literally blew a fuse. Luckily, the (ripoff) sound guy repaired it before we scrapped the remaining performances. The White Tie Affair gave another outstanding performance that included the lead singer Chris standing on the bar. It probably had something to do with the lunchboxes that the Greatest Bar bartenders were throwing at the band. It was a strange mix of stalker-teen White Tie fans, bleach blonde models, old men, and Playboy staff — but it was a good time.

FRIDAY - SET UP DAY

The day before CollegeFest is a beeyotch. You get to a booth that you’ve dropped $15K on and it looks like garbage. After the initial panic subsided, we started to put our “Playboy Lounge” together and it looked great. It was more relieving when the union guys brought our 5000 pound shipment from the receiving area. We were no longer screwed and the outlook was good. We finished in time for a reasonable dinner time.

I went to a place called Rock Bottom with Neal (who runs a sub par blog called Real Cinch) and James. They’re both pencil-pushing proposal writers… that’s right, you heard me… blog about it. Neal pussed out, so James and I went to Revolution Rock Bar to catch up with the Playboy Energy Bus.

If I could fight the Energy Bus, I would
There was a line outside, but we got out of the cab and just said we were with Playboy and showed our business cards. I know, I sound like a douche, but I don’t think I’ve ever done that before in “real life” (while sober). Inside, there was a similar Playboy Energy situation… this bar was packed and the hooker-ish crew was relegated in the corner. I hate going to “da club” if I’m not sitting at a table simply because it’s unbearable (and hopefully I’m drinking for free if I’m sitting at a table). From my spot in the corner, I observed that the bar was at least 2/3 guys… lame. I tried striking up a conversation with one of the Playboy Energy girls out of sheer boredom. She went along with it for a while and then went ice cold. Little did she know that I was the one being charitable. After James and I had a couple beers, the camera crew went outside to film the inside of the Energy Bus. As soon as we stepped on, some David Beckham-wannabe that was somehow “in charge” of this tour told me that everybody needed to be quiet. Two seconds later, James and I were standing outside of the bus. Nothing pisses me off more than some douchebag thinking he’s important because he has 4 promo models behind him. What a prick.

SATURDAY - COLLEGEFEST DAY ONE

The first day of CollegeFest started out smoothly. The Playboy Energy Girls (one security guard called them the “Swedish Basketball Team”) showed up a little bit after noon and I wasn’t prepared for our models’ reaction. They were all pissed off that these girls had matching outfits and they didn’t. I had considered the Energy outfits whore-ish, so this was surprising. I don’t think they consider the fact that I dictate their attire for these events; they have foolishly opened Pandora’s Box. Maybe I’ll even make it an OCD poll next time.

My first question was: how much?
The drama didn’t end there. Jo Garcia lost her iPhone during the event. I figured it was just James’ sleazy way to get her number. But once he had her number in his phone and called it a few times, we still couldn’t find it. She started freaking out, which was reasonable given the situation. Our discussion of “it sucks to lose a phone” suddenly turned when one girls conjectured that she had naked pictures of herself on the phone. I couldn’t let that go and prodded her further:

OCD: What do you mean she probably had naked pictures of herself on there?
BUNNY: Well, a lot of the time girls in relationships have naked pictures on her phone.
OCD: Do you have naked pictures of yourself on your phone?
BUNNY: Yes.
OCD: More than 50?
BUNNY: Ha, no!
OCD: More than 10?
BUNNY: No
OCD: More than 3?
BUNNY: Yes
OCD: Awesome, I just have two dick pics on mine.

And then I stole her phone. Not really. I did make a “dick pic” comment though… I can’t help myself. Other than the drama of the lost phone (and no matching prostitute costumes), the day was a success. Chamillionaire, who I like, performed the last show of the day … and sucked. It was disappointing.

Don’t worry — they actually hate me
After dinner that night, we all met in the hotel bar to have a few drinks. In one of my conversations, I was told that Brody Jenner made $30K from a recent appearance in New York. I wish my job was to “make appearances”. As you know, I’ve rolled up on these jokers before in Phoenix. It’s actually pretty close between him and his stepsister Kim Kardashian. I’ve heard of her making around $10K, but I’ve also heard that she’s been paid $50K for a Miami event. By comparison, you can book an Official Chris Duncan appearance for $1000 (and you can touch it for $2000).

Unfortunately, the night ended without me being able to successfully sleaze any of our girls. That’s a joke. I keep it classy. We were staying at a nice hotel though, so I was trolling the bar for hookers (just kidding, Doug) at the same time. You can spot them a mile away: usually two relatively well-dressed but slutty looking girls scanning the bar back-to-back. I saw a couple of girls like this sitting at the end of the bar and pulled up next to them while ordering a drink. I don’t remember exactly how our conversation started, but we established that they had just moved to Boston from New York. Then the closer girl asked me if I was gay because she said she was gay and could pick up on “gay signals”. Awesome. That’s how to NOT to land a John. I still think they were hookers… probably not.

SUNDAY - COLLEGEFEST DAY TWO

An hour after the show started, Neal and I went to get lunch for the crew. Upon leaving the food court, I had three pizzas boxes in my arms and there was a slight drizzle but then something caught my eye. Some random adult man in the food court was wearing the most ridiculous shirt of all time. I’ve seen kids with Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse shirts and I assume they cost like $200, but this guy was wearing what looked to be a nylon Cookie Monster shirt.

This image is equal parts shameful, hilarious, and awesome
Soulja Boy had the final performance at CollegeFest. I wasn’t really watching, but I was later told that he threw like $2000 in cash from the stage. At least he didn’t try to pick it all up like Pacman Jones. On cue when the show closes, all of the Real World cast members try to sleaze on the Playboy girls. Last year, it was Alex from Denver and Evan from Real World/Road Rules. This year, Cohutta from Sydney made his way over to our booth. It’s always hilarious to me when somebody semi-famous is kind of sneaking around trying to get in. Unfortunately, there’s no booze at CollegeFest, so he wasn’t in drunken rake-in-the-college-poon mode like fellow cast member Isaac last week in Columbus.

With CollegeFest behind me, there’s a small period of rest on the horizon. I will have to be well rested when I start growing my mustache for Movember next month.

UPDATE: I found Cassie, the model from the East Lansing event, thanks to good old Google. Her name is Cassie Keller… I think the pictures speak for themselves. Wow.

FRIDAY @ THE GAY BAR

When we first arrived in Columbus, we wanted to get food and it was really late. We drove to the main part of High Street in Columbus and we couldn’t find a fucking valet for about 20 minutes. Once we did find a spot with valet people that were actually paying attention, we had a choice between a mexican food place on the left and regular bar food on the right. The valets forced our hand and I voted for Union Bar since I had been set on a burger (as usual) all night. The hostess said that she could seat us on the less crowded side of the bar which had more seating and seemed like a better place to eat. The patio and main bar were absolutely PACKED. It wasn’t long before we realized that we were in a popular gay bar.

I picked up that our waiter was gay pretty early on. It was hilarious for me when our videographer Johnny started chatting him up because he didn’t realize that he was gay. Jess went to the bathroom and two girls started talking to her about Estelle while waiting for the stall. They ended up knocking on the stall and two guys inside started making (fake) sex noises then giggled and came out. I guess the women’s room doesn’t typically get much use.

Johnny came back from the bathroom, after almost running into a mirror, and then turned around to see two mohawked men waving at him. They didn’t see his near collision, but apparently they liked his look. The worst part about our crew is that Johnny and I are both at opposite ends of the spectrum style/look-wise… so between the two of us, we were getting a lot of attention.

At this point, I took the can of dip out of my back pocket and I guess my mini notepad came out. Right on cue, a trio of dudes came by and the guy with a faux hawk and frosted tips picked up my notepad. I found myself pretty much speechless and just tried to roll with it. He told Jess (who works in PR for Playboy) not to read my diary and then gave it to her. After we finished our round of post-dinner Blue Moons, we decided to bolt. It was an honest mistake. Upon returning to the hotel, I googled “Union Bar Columbus” and the first result was from gaycities.com. Burn. I mean, it wasn’t called The Penis Depot or anything like that. My burger was excellent.

SATURDAY - GAMEDAY

We were exhausted the next day but lunch revived us somewhat. We had a jackass waiter who looked like the crazy guy (”I thought we were watching cartoons”) from Tommy Boy. I was again reminded of the gay population in Columbus when a 6 foot cross-dresser walked out of a place called The Cookware Sorcerer. Awesome. Luckily, Terrelle Pryor helped Ohio State beat shitty Troy — so we wouldn’t have a hostile crowd at our event.

We got a late start setting up at McFadden’s and it made me cranky. There was a family eating in the back corner where we were going to set up shop, so we waited for them to finish before littering the tables with nudie magazines. We had two of the three Ohio State girls from the Girls of the Big 10 pictorial. They were arguably the hottest girls in the feature: Marie Morgan and Jamie Graham. The Ohio State Playboy rep, Ari, was a pimp and happened to know both of them.

Girls of the Big 10 from Ohio State: Marie Morgan and Jamie Graham

I had also booked Special Edition model Lyndsy Wolff to work at the event. She showed up along with the other models right on time at 9PM. We had everything set up and ready to go at about 10PM and people started cycling through to get signed magazines and shirts. After a while, I noticed that one guy who had arrived right-on-time was still hanging out. He wasn’t really causing any trouble, so we didn’t make him leave. I’m guessing he was just really drunk because he sat there all night. Lisa posed for a fake picture at about 2AM so I could snap a shot of our relaxed friend.

The Innocuous Mustache Guy has a leg up on the crowd… do you know where your dad is?
Our VP told me that Mike Commodore might want to stop by. He showed up with a buddy after we had been working the event for an hour or so. Unfortunately, his fro and lumberjack beard were both gone. I got a good picture of him with the girls. There was another minor celebrity in the building for our party. Isaac from Real World Sydney was friends with Ari and stuck around for the concert.

Mike Commodore sans fro & beard with the girls
We had to bring in a stage for The White Tie Affair and they ended the tour with another great performance. The girls danced on the stage and Lyndsy even attempted to play the drums for a while. That was both awesome and hilarious. It was a little concerning when drunk civilians took the stage towards the end of the night, but no dancing college students were injured. Columbus was probably the best event. McFadden’s was packed and the people were super drunk because of the early football game. I’m sure some people got black out drunk twice in one day. That’s skill.

Click Here for the Full Playboy Girls of the Big 10 Photo Gallery

According to college students, I have a dream job. I’m not going to complain (right now). There are times when it truly is the best job in the world. There are also times when I want to instigate physical altercations with co-workers, bar staff, sponsors, vendors, and even the (diva) models. All in all, it’s a good gig.

Our first two events of Playboy’s Girls of the Big 10 Tour are in the rearview. I flew into Detroit on Tuesday and we’ve been rocking a Ford Cargo Van from Detroit to East Lansing to Ann Arbor. Today we head to Columbus for the last event on Saturday.

MICHIGAN STATE (EAST LANSING)

The first event at Michigan State (East Lansing) was a hit. We had four Spartan co-eds (does anybody even use this term anymore?) booked for the event at Rick’s East Lansing. I can’t remember their pseudonym’s, but it’s usually a first name/middle name combo. Mad respect to the girls that porn-ify their names a little bit more. The girls’ call time was 9PM, so you usually expect them to show up between 15-30 minutes late. I was shocked when I saw the girls walk into the bar at exactly 9PM.

Working with models is a unique gig. Most regular men would fall prey to their well-honed manipulation skills. Luckily, when I started doing this job, I was still pretty much afraid of girls… rendering their powers useless. At this point, I’m a pretty salty girl-wrangler. You want a drink? Don’t care. Tired of standing? Don’t care. That’s your boyfriend? Certainly don’t fucking care. The flip-side of the situation is actually the most entertaining. Random boyfriend walks past the line and right up to the table and when questioned says, “That’s my girlfriend”. Good for you… now step the fuck off. Your girlfriend is working, fool. But don’t get me wrong — these girls were all well-behaved.

The girls from Michigan State with our college reps

People started filtering into the venue, Rick’s East Lansing, shortly after the girls arrived. We gave away all 100 guy “Girls of the Big 10″ t-shirts in about an hour. We had shirts for girls, but they didn’t seem to go as quickly. We had a small amount of wifebeaters for girls… and I ended up seeing a humongous drunk guy wearing one at the end of the night. Unfortunately, our event was not for “Gays of the Big 10″ … not sexy.

We have the The White Tie Affair coming with us to all three Big 10 events and CollegeFest next week. OMG, yes TWTA from The Hills. Obv. You can rag on them all you want, but they’re actually very good at what they do. They got the crowd up and jumping with the help of the Michigan State girls and an unbelievably gorgeous Playboy model named Cassie. Cassie and had an instant connection — we found out that we both love Jumanji.

At the end of the night, it was definitely a great event. We had fantastic reps at East Lansing and I was quite pleased. Ryan, Mary, Dylan, Brad, and Zak are the effing tits. Everybody cleared out a little after 2AM and we packed up our gear. The Playboy crew headed to a late night munchies spot where I picked up a bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant (typical) and I went to sleep at about 3AM.

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN - ANN ARBOR

The next morning, we were headed to Ann Arbor at about 10AM. For the Michigan event, we only had one of the three girls from the pictorial that wanted to appear at the event. So to make up for the lack of hot chicks, we had to book four of the girls from Michigan State. I was a little worried that the decision to let them wear their green shirts might end with me getting my ass beat. Luckily, that was not the case.

The Rick’s in Ann Arbor actually holds more people than the bar in East Lansing. So we knew we were in for quite a rowdy night. Chris, the boss @ Rick’s AA, told me that they had a St. Practice Day (halfway to St. Patty’s) party the night before and that the place was packed. The Rick’s Ann Arbor staff was more than accommodating — we’re besties now. The White Tie Affair van showed up at about 6PM and it was time to rock and roll.

Our sponsor for the Michigan and Ohio State events was the movie My Best Friend’s Girl. I was hoping that once people were drunk enough, it would be a popular attraction. The highlights from the booth were a guy who admitted he jerked off at a bus stop and a girl that boned a certain celebrity who was well-known in the 80’s (hint: he’s in a popular internet forum picture that says “you’re a homo”).

Once the party got started, it was a little bit chaotic. There seemed to be a higher level of douchebaggery and I’ve never seen more broken glass on the floor in my life. The East Lansing girls were professionals when it came time to bring The White Tie Affair on stage.

I had to tip my hat to TWTA. They’re not my favorite band, but they’re good at what they do. They covered “Billy Jean” but then they went out on a limb with Lil Wayne - “Got Money”. I have to admit, they fucking killed it with “Got Money”. So the girls were shaking in on stage, and I did notice a weird “move” they were trying. Apparently, it’s sexy to do what I termed a “reverse Eiffel Tower” where the girls put their hips together and arch their backs… not really sure what that’s about.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say these girls watch The Hills

When we got back to the girl’s signing table, some assholes had taken the chairs. I didn’t really feel like stirring up shit since the night was almost over — so I just ignored that fact. I did notice that one of them had drawn a penis on the table cloth. That would have been somewhat amusing if it didn’t cost $700. A short time later, two of the jackasses decided that they would try to fight each other. I was almost killed in a fratboy crossfire while trying to diffuse the situation. Once the 250 pound meathead turned his murderous gaze towards me, I decided that his “friend” would be a better martyr.

We were all pretty exhausted once the first two events were done. Fortunately, we had Friday to travel and get situation in Columbus with the event on Saturday. The drive to Columbus was about 3-4 hours and I will report back on the final event in a day or two.

Click Here for the Full Playboy Girls of the Big 10 Photo Gallery

Anna Faris is in the upcoming movie House Bunny where she plays a Playboy Playmate that gets kicked out of the Mansion. I decided to do a little research on her (it’s sort of my job) and found out that she used to be married. The first picture I saw of her ex wasn’t out of the ordinary. Then I found a couple others that seemed to tell a story. You can draw your own conclusions…

First (from 2003)

Fat

Fattest

We have a lot of RFP’s (requests for proposals) from a variety of clients. The main advertisers that care about what I do (college marketing) are usually video games, movie/DVD releases, and grooming products. This note came from one of our sales guys along with the RFP document. Our sales guy took it one step further by explaining a part of the plot we may have missed. This email is quite ridiculous (and yes, this is the entire email with nothing deleted).

Thanks again Stephen.

How do you think we could incorporate Just Cause 2 to Spring Break?

Again there’s this miniature, evil billionaire who hires 6 beautiful women (hopefully Playmates) as his ninja body guards. The guys lives on his own tropical island

A challenge was issued and accepted. On Wednesday, the Playboy office is facing High Times in softball. It’s kind of a tradition, but this is the first time the game is being played in about 3 years. Apparently, facebook and College Humor were set to face off in beer pong… but then it got canceled. Softball is so much classier.

Our squad is made up of 16 people from marketing, editorial, security, and licensing. I think our security crew of Jimmy and Bobby will provide a lot of power — they play in the Staten Island softball league. We’re borrowing my good friend Danny from MTV and expect big things. I’ve been roiding for the past 4 weeks in preparation for the big day.

Currently, our sponsors are up in the air. We’re thinking box wine but might end up with liquor in the clubhouse. In any case, I’m positive that we’ll have lost track of the game by the end. We made some sweet uniforms for the game… BONERS 2008! The game is Wednesday in Central Park. Merciless stoner bashing is scheduled for a 6:30 PM start.

Hef would be proud