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I was watching Democratic National Convention coverage last night on MSNBC. First, has anybody noticed that Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann cut each other off constantly? Ridiculous. Second, I think Bill Clinton could be elected again if he were allowed to run. His speech was pretty impressive. Third, less united/unity talk. Get a new slogan…. and don’t say “change”. That’s pretty much like the drink-drank-drunk rule in Asshole.

The real reason for this post was the incredible live interviews by Chris Matthews. Apparently, NBC thought it would be awesome to get some real people on camera. The first guy was a McCain supporter with a mustache and sideburns who looked he was from 1980. My favorite person was last though. I don’t know if this woman was nervous or just stupid, but she had some trouble explaining herself. I like the way she doesn’t even say the word “President” or “White House” or “nomination”.

Chris Matthews: Ok, madam
Dumb American: Yes
Chris Matthews: Well, that’s all I do is ask. I don’t have a question. Your feelings, your thoughts about tonight? I didn’t think it was unexpectedly harmonious. You’re right — I’m part of the media that thought it would be a bigger fight. But I also don’t know what’s going on below the surface. When people like Governor Rendell continue to do what they do… I’m not sure what’s going on.
Dumb American: Here’s the thing, Chris: we’ve got new blood coming in here… black… Obama. OK? We have his wife. The first black female, as um… first, the First Lady of this country. That is incredible. We have Hillary Clinton. The first woman that has been and gotten this far and has been so gracious in this week and in her speech yesterday passing it off to Obama. That is incredible and very awesome in this country. That’s huge.

“Stanley Kobierowski, 34, was arrested in Providence, R.I., after smashing his car into an electronic message sign. According to state police, he allegedly blew a .489 and .491 on a Breathalyzer at the scene. That’s more than six times the state’s legal limit. He was brought to a local hospital and held for two days until sober enough to be arraigned, police said.”

Stanley Kobierowski is a bad bad man. When I was in Cabo last March, we were getting somewhat sauced and one of the Cali kids had his own breathalyzer. My friend Alex gave it a whirl and he blew a .300. We both assumed this was wayyyy too high and that he would be crawling if he actually had a .300 BAC. But .489 is just a new level of insanity. That guy should be dead right now. The feat amazes me for two reasons 1) his body didn’t shut down before he reached that BAC and 2) he was able to drink that much volume of liquid. Let’s say he did all of his damage in a 6-8 hour span. I bet he drank between 20-30 beers in that time. Take the poll below and weigh in:

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“The majority is gay, but we’ve had issues with hetero sex as well. Families are upset and outraged.”- George Price, Superintendent of the National Seashore

This gem is from a recent article about the substantial increase in public sex at the northeastern beaches. Apparently, shoregoers and whale watchers have encountered substantially more hanky panky. The number of incidents has more than tripled from 2007 to 2008. One complaint from 2007 from a New Jersey family claimed that they saw “a large group” of men having “sex in the nude, including oral and anal sex right out in the open.” I hear you George Price — I’m also outraged with my own recent hetero sex issues. But that’s another blog post for another time.

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“I gotta tell you. Jason Giambi hasn’t really been in my good graces for quite some time. But now that he’s clearly back on the juice and sporting a mustache, he’s becoming one of my favorite players in all of baseball.”- Anonymous Yankees Fan

This one comes from my friend John. He’s a huge Yankees fan. I’m pretty sure that he thinks this is really funny because he agrees with it 100%. I also like Jason Giambi, so I support his return to the needle. Juice may bring back his home run power, confidence, and intimidating stare. But it won’t bring back his endorsements… yet. God, I wish his deodorant commercial was still on TV. (Picture: Giambi as a minor leaguer on the Alaska Goldpanners)

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“I would like to go on a piss-drinking diet.”

Now this is my kind of girl. I just love a girl who loves to drink piss. I’m a little bit wary of her Caucasian-only policy. It’s also a little bit strange that the girl in the picture has brown hair when she says she has blonde hair. In any case, I love the vinyl dress, I have a hot cock, and she can host. This is a win-win-win-win situation. Hands off my girl, freaks! I’d like to credit Alex for sending this one in by email (subject: my kind of girl).

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“I lost my head. I even had money with me. I don’t know why I took the stuff.”

That is the apology of a man that decided to steal a chocolate penis and Playboy Bunny from a store. He wanted to give them to his fiancee. You can read about his shame here. Also, why don’t they make chocolate breasts or vaginas? Maybe they should start…

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In baseball, “PopoZão” is a slang term used by Philadelphia Phillies fans for a home run hit by Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard.[citation needed]

That tidbit is from the Wikipedia article for “Popo Zao”, the awesome Kevin Federline song. Apparently, Phillies fans have adopted the term — or at least a clevery wiki-vandal has left his mark. Thanks for this one, Brad.

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I think if I had come down, things might have worked out a little bit differently. I find I have a calming influence on people I’m around.

Of course Ricky Williams is a calming influence. That’s why the Toronto Argonauts picked him up. He has a high voice, does yoga, and smokes a shitload of weed. I just wish he had a King Tut beard and dreads still.

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